What do I want out of life?? Beyond the usual, work, eat, sleep, be mom, etc, what do I want??
I want to feel useful. Especially, I want to be useful at the dojang. I want to be respected for the fact that I worked hard to earn my black belt. I don't want to be seen as the "poster child" for "look! A fat person CAN become a black belt!" Sometimes I feel like that. I was told that this coming week at the dojang is going to be a "showcase for black belts to demonstrate their abilities" for the various classes. That doesn't include me, apparently, because I've not been asked to demonstrate anything. Nor have I been told anything about Friday night, other than I must be there. (Friday's the gup test.) I'm not sitting on the "Board"...I'm not anywhere close to that. I will just be there, roaming the room, helping keep kids in line, making sure everyone is ready for sparring.
In a lot of ways, I'm frustrated. In my usual classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, we're not working on any of the higher forms. I haven't worked on Jin Do or Nahainchi Ee Dan for well over a month, not since Mr. M met with the MHK gurus and became the Southwestern Franchise/coordinator for them. I haven't done anything to advance myself toward my second Dan. I don't know any new one steps. It's been pretty much sparring and technique. There's only so much technique you can practice before you get frustrated with it. I would like to get a chance to practice my material too, before we change the curriculum. They're going to make it a TKD oriented class from here on out. Starting in June, we'll be switching to the curriculum MHK is teaching. We're already working on "practice records". I'm a bit miffed about that because I can't get my kids to work on practicing. I need to be a hard nose about forcing them to practice. They will have to present two of these practice records in order to be allowed to test in July. That means that if they don't turn them in due to lack of practice, I will have failed as a parent and as an instructor. I can't keep them motivated outside of class to practice more.
We've got The Today Show coming in on Tuesday to film a segment for their show (on Autism) on one of our students. He's one of our Young Warriors. I'm not needed for that--I asked yesterday. I was told that more than enough instructors are going to be there. Okay, fine. No problem. I'll stay home and watch Gene Simmons.
Tony is afraid that I'm being overlooked. He told me that yesterday. I'm just a face in the crowd. Nobody really knows who I am. At this point, I'm not even teaching classes. I haven't been bumped up to full instructor. That's not likely to happen anyway. Six of the other instructors left and he's not replacing them. He's got Mr. B, Mr. B (yes, their last names both begin with "B") And there's my friend, DB, and Mr. T. Mr. M the younger also teaches at the school. No, they don't need me. I'll learn how to teach. I'll be able to lead warm ups and work with little kids, if needed. I'm not ever going to make full instructor and I'm fully aware of that.
I need to re-focus myself on working hard and doing more than just proving that an overweight old woman can earn a black belt. I want to earn my second Dan. I CAN and WILL do it. I'm going to make sure that they see me for who I really am, not just as "Hey, look! If you want to see a success story, look here! We have succeeded in molding this into a black belt."
No, that's not who I am. That's not what I want.
I don't have superior kicks and punches. I don't look spectacular when I'm sparring. I HATE sparring, but that's a different story. What I want is to prove to myself that I'm strong enough to pick up and earn my second Dan. I want to prove that I've got what it takes to continue on and get my belt. I deserve that belt and I'm going to prove it to myself!
