Burn out

I'm suffering from burnout.  I have been seriously burned out from my normal martial arts classes because I have had problems with remembering my forms and I get very frustrated because I'm a perfectionist.  I demand nothing but perfection because I have this silly idea that I HAVE to be top notch.  However, you cannot be top notch if you don't practice.  If you don't practice, you can't achieve the silly ideal of perfectionism you may be carrying around in your head.  
This describes me.  I get aggravated because I don't know the Korean for my techniques.  I don't work on learning it.  I get aggravated because forms I know I should know, I forget.  I get mad at myself because I think that I "should" do something perfectly because I'm a black belt.  Then I get caught into a nasty cycle of beating myself up and yelling at myself for doing things wrong.

This led to a lot of thinking (my best friend says I live in my head too much!).  I've sent stupid emails to my instructors, telling them that I'm having issues.  I've met with the owner of the school.  He finally laid it out-I need to make a serious decision to get it together and decide what really want.  I've got a yes or no question to answer for him.   I just haven't decided what that answer will really be.   Is it in my heart to put in the hours and hours of training and beat myself up to get into top shape and attempt to work toward my second Dan?

Ultimately, I think it all boils down to that.  I had this plan when I first got my Dan that I'd be a first Dan, then two years later, I'd be a second Dan, then three years after THAT I'd earn my third Dan...so, if I was "on track" on the old "plan", I'd be a second Dan, pushing to earn my third in another year.  Well, things don't always work out the way we plan.   I'm still at first Dan.  I haven't taken my training seriously.    I blow it off more than anyone  I know.

I'm working on figuring out what I want to do.  To try to work toward that end, I enrolled in an "Introduction to Tai Chi" class through the Parks and Recreation department. I had my first class last week (7/12).  I enjoyed that class and went back last night.   I enjoyed that one as well.   I truly feel that it is helping me.  So far, I've only attended two classes, but I learned a little bit about the history of the art, plus I have learned how to "turn the ball" and "wave hands like clouds".  I am practicing the things I've learned thus far, which is a far cry from what I've been doing with my TSD.  I don't think I'm going to give up the TSD yet, but I'm thinking that for now, my concentration is going to be on healing myself (my leg still isn't right after that kick *months* ago!) and getting my mind together.  Then I can pull it together, go into class without any expectations and I'll be able to concentrate on training with out putting any stupid burdens on myself.

Saturday happenings....

I went to Black Tiger today and participated in their Dan training class. They don't call it 'cit' or anything like that, but it's for the belts to perfect the teaching techniques. I really liked it. I felt like I was in a good place. They had people from the Legacy school as well as the Russell Creek school there. They were ALL very friendly and very nice. They treated me like one of their own. There wasn't any "I'm a higher Dan than you, so I am perfect" with them. I spent time with a Second Dan who had just come back from a very long car trip. She was fun! She explained a lot of things to me and talked to me about the school, how they run things, etc. I heard about Master Gutt (pronounced as in Glute, but without the "L") and about Grand Master Kim. They teach Mu Do Kwan style Tang Soo Do. I found out that I know a "master" form in Sip Soo, which I found most interesting. They don't teach Jin Do or Sip Soo until you're training for your fourth Dan. Their way of doing Nahainchi Ee Dan was different. They do it this way: high knife hand block (x-block), double elbow to the sternum, then the hand thing where you do the double punch to the sternum and trap the hand. That's where they do it differently--they do it as a block to the leg with the hand. It was a lot different from what I've learned.

We did Keecho Hyung Il Bu and Master P (a sixth Dan) emphasized using your hips. I found it challenging to do Keecho Hyung Il Bu when he said to do it double up (down block, same stance, down block again!). I wanted to keep going on with my form. I certainly was not the slowest one there, but they were going for slow.

Another interesting thing that sort of made me cringe, but makes me feel good too is the fitness aspect of it. They want you to be physically fit, so they do have a requirement to do x number of push ups, x number of crunches for your age/sex/rank. They do require that you are able to run a mile, just like USMA. They said that for my age/sex/rank, I should probably be able to run a mile in somewhere around 11 minutes or so. (can we all say "ICK"???)

I may lay low for a while. I'm very bummed about having to leave USMA. I feel like I wasn't needed over there. It definitely wasn't fun anymore. It was a drag to have to go in every week. I didn't/don't feel like he's even noticed I'm not there. Tony said he was going to send me an email but I've still not gotten anything. Oh well.

For now, I think I'm going to concentrate on getting my fitness levels up and then we'll see about karate again. I want to get some of this extra weight off. I did meet some really nice people there today. They're cool. It doesn't feel so different from what USMA was when I started--like a huge extended family. I've got to go the rest of this month without karate because I can't really afford it, but we'll see what next month brings.