A little of this, a little of that

Saturday was the Open Training and I was very glad I went. I got a chance to work on the first eight one steps and Ho Sin Sul. I remember the Bear Hug one and am going to make Tony practice it with me. It's always good to practice, especially when you've got someone who doesn't know what you're trying to do. I won't hurt him or anything, but I want to make sure I can perform that Ho Sin Sul properly for when we run through them in class this week. I'm going to attend one class...I have Cub Scouts on Thursday, so Tuesday is my only day.
That's my birthday, so I am hoping that I get a wickedly killer work out in.

Saturday afternoon, I got a quick lesson in picking out wood for the Gup test too. My friend, Ms. S, took me with her as she picked out the boards. That was an interesting concept. The first plank of wood we picked out was very light (for an 8-10 foot piece of wood!). The second one was heavier than the first. It was amazing--we could tell how wet it still was. Like I said, that was definitely an eye opener.

I got a very nice surprise from Miss Amanda on Saturday as well. We received (finally!) the scores from her state mandated tests in Social Studies/History and Science. I knew that she'd do well, but I wasn't prepared for HOW well she did!
She was commended on both of them! This is her third test this year that was Commended!! I am really proud of her!!

I signed up for a "Biggest Loser" thing with my apartment complex. I've finally decided to get smart about working on my health. We had to weigh in, plus they ran us through a fitness test. I did 32 crunches--my fitness goal for testing purposes, for my age, is 34, so I'm on target there. I don't EVEN want to mention the pushups, but I will anyway. I only did 5. I'm supposed to do 36 of them for fitness requirements, so that's something to work on. The trainer didn't allow "girlie" pushups (on your hands and knees). No, these were full on, "military style" pushups in a plank position. Can we say "more work needed"?? Yep, that's me!!

I was the shortest person there and the largest as well. All the other women were so small, I was questioning the "whys" of them, but I decided that I really don't CARE why they're there. I'm not going to be all self conscious about why I'm there. We all want to be healthy. *I* want to be healthy. I want to get some guidance in my work outs so that I can drop close to 100 pounds. It won't happen in 8 weeks, which is when the BL program runs, but if I lose about 4 inches, I will feel great. I am going to start pushing myself to get my butt out and exercising during lunch at work. I'm not taking being "large" anymore. Ms. S reminded me of something I said in my last black belt essay. I had written that "a black belt is an example to the rest of the martial arts community and others" (paraphrasing badly, I think), so I need to make sure that I'm providing a good example!

The return of me....

I've been working on my mental issues this week and this weekend. I may finally be feeling less moody and less down on myself. I know I haven't been in the right place in my head, but I've been working on that. I'm trying to tell myself nice things daily. I tried it a few months ago and gave it up, but I'm starting over. I want to give myself a fighting chance to be the person I know I want to be. I want to be happier and healthier.

I'm looking forward to this week. I have to work, of course, because I haven't won the darned lottery (YET), but...I'm making the best out of THAT situation. I can't control the crap that goes on--the people who appear to be doing other things than answering the phones, but I'm not going to worry about that too much. I'm not in charge. Someone else is. Until they give me the go ahead to worry about the phones, I'm only going to worry about me, not about others.

We're going camping with the family next weekend and that's going to be a great thing. I'm really, really looking forward to it. Getting out and about, enjoying being disconnected from cell phones, mp3 players, etc. I'm looking forward to that. I promised the boys that if I could get their Den leaders to agree to it, we'll all go out in the woods, close our eyes and listen to the sounds of the birds we'll hear out there. I also volunteered to be the MC on Saturday night at the campfire, when the boys are doing skits (this is a Cub Scout Family campout). I think I can handle it. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a big mouth. LOL! I'm going to have fun with it.

Tuesday and Thursday is karate. I wasn't in class last week due to Cubs and not feeling 100%, so this is going to be a good thing. I'm seeing my doctor on Wednesday and will have a good report from him, I hope. As of this past Friday, he said he was fairly satisfied with my progress. I'm happy to hear that. It means that I'm doing better at controlling things like sitting with my foot tucked up under my rear, etc. I'm consciously thinking about that and correcting it if I happen to find myself doing it. He also told me that I need to build up my upper and lower body strength as well as my core strength. I found a series of exercises in Self Magazine that are great for 'tush tighteners' and they also work the arms and legs as well. I just have to remember to do them on non-consecutive days. I want these exercises to work, so I have to work on them three days a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday mornings, then Tuesday and Thursday are karate. This will work out. I'm going to ask another friend who teaches mixed martial arts classes if I can come in and work with him a couple of times to get some serious cardio work in. I think I finally got serious. I really do.

I was able to find a couple of things I wanted to find this week...I found my language CD so I can review my Korean for class. I also found my other "foot" hidden in my closet tonight, so I have my complete sparring gear again. YAY! Now all I need to do is to get a mouth guard and I think we have one hiding around here somewhere. I'm almost prepared. My next step is to get myself physically fit and I'll feel better. I've decided that I need to get off my (bleep!) and start working on myself. I will feel better and will have a lot more self confidence.

Where's my motivation?

Today I'm feeling a bit stressed out but it's over me, not my martial arts. I've been stressing out over my weight again. I watched my scale climb up by 5 pounds from the start of the week until today and it really aggravates me. I know you're ideally NOT supposed to weigh yourself every day because things can change. I know weight fluctuates, etc. It's just annoying to see my weight climb up and up. This time last year, I'd lost almost 45 pounds. I've put back on 20 of that. That irritates me. I was definitely more active than I am now last year, but I was taking classes three to four times a week (my kids were involved in classes with me at that time too). I was walking a lot. I was attending Weight Watchers meetings. I was strictly monitoring my food intake, probably to the point of obsession. I wrote every single thing I ate down and tried to adhere to "if you bite it, write it." After my belt test in March of '08, I gradually started being less active. My old school changed affiliations and moved, so I decided to move on myself. I see that as the beginning of this spiral I am in now.

I am an emotional eater. I like food, don't get me wrong, but the relationship I have with it is not healthy at times. I like to eat. I know that food is fuel, but it shouldn't have limitations set on it. I don't like being told by the co-workers or friends who are well intentioned, "are you sure you should eat that??"
An example of this is the Girl Scout cookies I bought to help support a friend's troop. I bought two boxes of Thin Mints. There are two tubes of 16 cookies in each box. I opened one of the boxes and over the course of the afternoon, I ate an entire tube of cookies. A serving is 4 cookies. I had four, then closed up the tube and put it away. Then I ate some a bit later. Eventually that one tube was gone and I put the cookies out of my mind. When I told my husband about it, he asked him, "Should you have done that?!" No. I shouldn't have, but why should I feel guilty for eating? I ate them, not in one sitting, but over the course of the afternoon.

I don't want to feel like that anymore. I KNOW I have a tenuous relationship with food. I have an even more tenuous relationship with exercise. I am all talk and no action when it comes to that. I'm not sure that setting goals of "I want to lose X pounds by N date/time" is even a good thing to use as a motivator. Neither is "I want to test at N date." Plain and simple, if I make plans like that, I set myself up to fail. I feel that I have to DO something and if it doesn't happen, then I beat myself up over it. I'm over beating myself up. It's not a good thing.

I'm looking for a motivator. I need something to use as a mental kick in the butt. I need a friend to help me by saying, "Hey, why don't we go do this today?" I need something. What's a good motivator??

Being healthy is a good motivator, but I want something tangible that I can SEE, something I can feel. I want to be more positive, but it's hard, especially when I see the scales going in the wrong direction. I want to get my motivation back and see changes for the positive.

I posted a few days ago about Spring being a time of renewal. Maybe I need to think about that and use that as a motivator?

Oh joy...here we go again...

Bear with me...I'm ranting and raving here.

One of these days I'm going to learn NOT to sabotage myself! I actually saw 197 on Friday, then it gradually climbed back up again to 201 by today. I have no excuses, just my poor choices. I had *no problems* on Thursday maintaining, but Friday, when I cooked Thanksgiving for my immediate family, I took it as a license to pick. I picked and I picked. I KNOW better! My downfall? That turkey. I LOVE the skin! I ate the skin. I made excuses for it, saying "I won't gain THAT much!" Did I exercise? Oh no! I sat on the couch and watched football games. I didn't even drink my water!!
I weigh myself daily, just because it works for me to see the fluctuations in my weight. If I was smart (obviously I'm not since I don't practice what I'm preaching here...), I'd just go with the once a week weigh ins and keep it there. I even got hubby to agree to go to WW with me. Have I been in a month? NOPE. Too bloody lazy to get up in the morning.
That is going to change. My lifestyle has GOT to reflect healthy for my children. I have two kids who don't need to have to live with seeing their mother fighting with weight issues. THEY shouldn't have weight issues. That's part of why I enrolled them in martial arts.
Anyway...I'm not going to sabotage my loss efforts. I have a thought in my head that I picked up from somewhere..."Conscious eating". If I'm conscious of what I eat, when I eat and HOW I eat, I'll be successful. Going forward, I am going to make every effort to be conscious of my eating.