Where's my motivation?

Today I'm feeling a bit stressed out but it's over me, not my martial arts. I've been stressing out over my weight again. I watched my scale climb up by 5 pounds from the start of the week until today and it really aggravates me. I know you're ideally NOT supposed to weigh yourself every day because things can change. I know weight fluctuates, etc. It's just annoying to see my weight climb up and up. This time last year, I'd lost almost 45 pounds. I've put back on 20 of that. That irritates me. I was definitely more active than I am now last year, but I was taking classes three to four times a week (my kids were involved in classes with me at that time too). I was walking a lot. I was attending Weight Watchers meetings. I was strictly monitoring my food intake, probably to the point of obsession. I wrote every single thing I ate down and tried to adhere to "if you bite it, write it." After my belt test in March of '08, I gradually started being less active. My old school changed affiliations and moved, so I decided to move on myself. I see that as the beginning of this spiral I am in now.

I am an emotional eater. I like food, don't get me wrong, but the relationship I have with it is not healthy at times. I like to eat. I know that food is fuel, but it shouldn't have limitations set on it. I don't like being told by the co-workers or friends who are well intentioned, "are you sure you should eat that??"
An example of this is the Girl Scout cookies I bought to help support a friend's troop. I bought two boxes of Thin Mints. There are two tubes of 16 cookies in each box. I opened one of the boxes and over the course of the afternoon, I ate an entire tube of cookies. A serving is 4 cookies. I had four, then closed up the tube and put it away. Then I ate some a bit later. Eventually that one tube was gone and I put the cookies out of my mind. When I told my husband about it, he asked him, "Should you have done that?!" No. I shouldn't have, but why should I feel guilty for eating? I ate them, not in one sitting, but over the course of the afternoon.

I don't want to feel like that anymore. I KNOW I have a tenuous relationship with food. I have an even more tenuous relationship with exercise. I am all talk and no action when it comes to that. I'm not sure that setting goals of "I want to lose X pounds by N date/time" is even a good thing to use as a motivator. Neither is "I want to test at N date." Plain and simple, if I make plans like that, I set myself up to fail. I feel that I have to DO something and if it doesn't happen, then I beat myself up over it. I'm over beating myself up. It's not a good thing.

I'm looking for a motivator. I need something to use as a mental kick in the butt. I need a friend to help me by saying, "Hey, why don't we go do this today?" I need something. What's a good motivator??

Being healthy is a good motivator, but I want something tangible that I can SEE, something I can feel. I want to be more positive, but it's hard, especially when I see the scales going in the wrong direction. I want to get my motivation back and see changes for the positive.

I posted a few days ago about Spring being a time of renewal. Maybe I need to think about that and use that as a motivator?

A time of change

Well, while most of my friends are buried under snow, I'm sitting down here in Texas, whining about the fact that another winter has come and gone. I saw the first signs of Spring last week...as I was driving home one afternoon, I saw a robin. That's a sure sign Spring is around the corner.
On the way home yesterday, I saw a pear tree that was starting to bud out. It's very pretty to see the stark white against the darker gray of the tree. It's a sure sign that things are heading into renewal. It's also up in the mid to upper 70s to low 80's. It really hasn't rained, which is what we need right now. I keep hoping the skies will open up but...well, hopes are just that. Hopes.

I'm in a pretty good mood today. I went to class last night and worked really hard. We worked on technique, which I can appreciate because I can see what I need to do to improve myself. I've decided that I am going to class not to compare myself with anyone else but to compare myself to myself from a year ago. I'm the only one I can compare to because I know where I was this time last year and where I am now.
Physically, I'm in worse shape than I was, especially as I haven't really been working out. Mentally, probably about the same, but again, maybe slightly better. Not overly sure of that. I know I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I'm going to work on that. I am enjoying my classes for the first time in a long time. I haven't felt so positive about my martial arts since I was working toward my black belt. I'm not working as hard as I was then, but...I do feel that I'm getting somewhere because I can SEE the changes.

In order to improve, I must make changes. Even the slightest change is something that will make a huge difference. It's Spring, so it's time for a renewal. I'm working on renewing my resolutions. I'm not a big resolution maker, but I've decided that since it is Spring, it's time for a change.

There's one central theme to this...In order to make myself a better person, I have to give up the old and begin anew.

Scouting for Food Saturday

Today was Scouting for Food with the Cub Scouts.  Scouting for Food is a food drive, where the boys go out with their dens and collect cans of food for the local food banks.  Today our Den went out together and quickly got separated.  We had three adults with three boys and two adults with two other boys.  Our boys went out and worked together to collect cans of food from people in the neighborhood.  It was a success.  Our boys collected 1023 cans of food for this effort.  Last year we collected 77 more cans, but I'm not complaining about this effort. 

I was the organizer of this effort, namely because I was at Round Table and collected the bags for the Pack.  That made me the organizer by default.  (Well, that and the fact that the guy who did it last year left our group!)

I'm proud of the way the boys worked together.  It was a good effort and I'm proud of them. 

Friday

Class last night was very enjoyable. It was great to work with Ms. M on one steps and Ho Sin Sul. I learned a lot, got a lot out of it and was able to see correlations between forms and self defense. I got a lot of great pointers on judging distance too. Since I'm short, I have to pivot on the ball of my foot (easier said than done at times) to make sure I stay in position. There's a big difference between hitting someone mid-thigh and at the belt.

The one steps we're doing look like smaller pieces of forms to me. I was telling Ms. M last night that I could see a comparison between them and specific forms.
There was one Ho Sin Sul that we did which was neat...it was on a shoulder grab (or a lapel grab). I had an "aha!" moment as we did it. I can see how the defense works. I got a good idea of how to block someone as they're coming at me and we talked about positioning for a block or punch.

I am looking forward to Tuesday. I have to miss class tomorrow because I have Scouting for Food with my Pack. I can practice afterwards and may take my hubby outside to work on my one-steps. That way I can keep the movements fresh in my mind.

Overwhelmed

Just a warning...this is a work rant, but it *does* end well!

I have been feeling highly overwhelmed at work.  I don't feel like I'm able to ask for help. I don't have the respect from the co-workers that I probably should have.  I've been with my employer for 20 years. This is my "anniversary year".

It's highly frustrating to know that one of my job responsibilities is to mind the phones and watch the calls holding. I'm not in a position of authority, apparently. Never mind  that everyone seeks me out to ask me for help on things. When it comes to mentioning calls holding, or suggesting things to try to help the department, I'm just invisible.

I get stressed out when I see calls holding.  When I was hired on at this company, I was told that I needed to help customers.  Then I was told, "Keep an eye on your talk time and don't let it get too high."  Then it was "don't let the HOLD time get high either."  This has been the key focus for me for my entire time here.  It's gradually been tweaked to the point where we're supposed to have an x-minute hold time.  If it climbs, we have to answer to the manager as to why.

We're supposed to help customers to the best of our abilities, but if we can't resolve problems, we're supposed to "escalate it to a specialist".  I feel like I'm in a bind because when *I* go to the specialists, I get it tossed back at me.  I know that I'm supposed to ask all the questions THEY know and can think of immediately, but it's not always possible.  It's worse if you're short handed and you know it because it makes it feel like you're carrying a mountain on your back. Sometimes asking for help is worse than just saying "I don't know."  

I guess it's just a matter of perspective.  The guys at work have a field day with my attitude.  I guess it's okay for them because they're guys.  They're all laid back and have "whatever" attitudes.  I panic about calls holding and how long they hold.  I hate seeing people waltzing in late, which happens regularly.  We have people who come to work late daily.  They take their lunch hours when they're good and ready to go, not at their assigned times.  I can see once or twice, but on a daily basis, it's annoying.   Sometimes I think they stay on the phones because they know it irritates me.  I have given up talking to them.  I just sit and stew.  That's not what I need.  Somehow, I need to figure out how to disconnect my CARING from my work.  I get frustrated at things beyond my control.  I can't change the way people are.  Not everyone has the same work ethic I have.

Luckily, I have class tonight.  I'm going to leave my angst at home and go work out very hard in class.  I've been gearing up for it all day.  I'm not going to skip because I need it.

Happily sore

I am happily sore after class tonight. I got to work with my friend, Ms. S tonight on one steps and Ho Sin Sul. We hit up 1-6 on the One Steps (which aren't really all that hard, just bear repetition) and 1-3 on the Ho Sin Sul. I can actually see the correlation between the Ho Sin Sul and the one steps. It was an eye opener.
Ms. S and I spent the evening kicking and punching each other. It was really a great feeling to be able to walk into class, see these people and know that I'm welcome, no matter how long I've been gone. I belong!!

I met that first mini-goal I made myself. I walked back into that classroom in the dojang tonight. I said I would and I didn't give myself any chance to tell myself otherwise. Master G told me to stop making excuses for not attending class in an email and I am happy to say that I made NO excuses whatsoever! I went to class and enjoyed myself. I put myself into the right frame of mind during the Muk nyum (spelling). It's a moment of silence at the beginning and ending of class. I feel incredible now. I worked hard and that was what I set out to do. I needed it.

I'm going back on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it.

Positive thought

Here's a positive thought for today:

I am extremely flexible. I may be 100+ pounds overweight, but I'm flexible and proud of it! I can kick over my head and almost to head height on a person who is 6 foot tall!

Happy happy!

I am extremely excited today. I have been sitting here, annoying my co-workers, talking about class. I'm really happy that I'm going to class tonight. I may have forgotten a lot, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I have been reviewing my book (Tang Soo Do by Grandmaster Kang Uk Lee) and am going to make the best out of whatever happens tonight. I'm really excited. I haven't felt this "bouncy" in a while now.
I showed the guy on the other side of the wall bits of two forms, so they're kind of still in my head (yay!!). I just have to keep myself focused on the fact that I AM going to do this. I will do well, regardless of what happens tonight. They'll either have mercy on me or they'll work me over. Either way, it's a win-win situation!

I haven't done my Ho Sin Sul and I haven't done anything with the one steps in forever, so I have to re-learn those.

Positives

I'm back to working on being more positive. I cannot let myself be negative because all it does is add to an already stressed me. I'm not going to do that. To start that, I chose my clothes for work very carefully. I picked out a pair of black slacks (that are a size 4--and that's a story in and of itself) and a very pretty, purple sweater that has striped cuffs and collar. I feel great about myself in it. Our Admin, M, told me that the purple was a really good color on me.
I feel like I'm standing taller today. Maybe it's partly from the thinking I did over the weekend. I spent a LOT of time thinking. I have a Shape Magazine on my desk that has a really great article about body image in it. I also have a Weight Watchers Magazine that has an article about body image in it. It's time to stop thinking so negatively about myself. Instead, I'm going to go back to telling myself something positive every day.

Today, I feel like I can climb mountains (or at least ant hills to start with).

Sick Saturday

I don't like being sick. I feel worse when my family is sick. I woke up early this morning (not sure of the exact time), with Aidan telling me he doesn't feel good. He climbed into bed and made himself comfy. He was running a fever (very hot to the touch!), so I didn't force him to leave. I let him stay, but told him he had to be still or he'd get moved. He was good to his word...except for elbowing me off the bed!

I wound up getting up early and hanging out with the cat. I had coffee, read a few magazines and had the cat sit with me, enjoying the silence. I got a chance to watch some home improvement shows on HGTV. I haven't watched HGTV in months! I usually don't get the television to myself in the mornings. Usually it's controlled by one of the kids and they're watching one of the shows they've recorded.

The little guy is still feeling puny--he's laying on the couch, sleeping, currently. I'll get him to his room shortly and tucked in. He's definitely not feeling well because he didn't even eat his dinner and I didn't hear about how hungry he was all day.

Hopefully this is a 24 hour bug. I've heard from another parent whose son is in our Cub Scout pack that his son was sick with a bug too. Hmmm. I hope it clears up soon!

Mother/son Dance

This was taken before the Mother-Son dance last night. Doesn't Aidan look great in a suit?? He wanted a suit for the dance. I think he looks spiffy! He had a lot of fun and so did I. I really enjoyed the dancing. For someone who hasn't done any serious exercise in the past 2 1/2 months, this was incredibly good! My feet, legs and arms hurt today, but it's a good hurt! I want to do this with him again next year, I'm thinking.

This was when we got there...he had his boutonniere pinned on him by a high school girl and he was holding the carnation. The next picture is going to make you laugh...and I have no idea why he did this, but everyone thought it was funny, so I had to take the picture!

He took a picture of me too, hence the angle.


We had fun. They played a lot of songs that I'd never heard before. I guess I need to listen to Radio Disney because several of them are played on it, I think. They played a Celine Dion song for the moms, they played several songs that had everyone moving forward, backwards, etc. It was like line dancing. They even played Thriller, and I danced it for the first time! The DJs were wonderful! They had a lot of fun and we had fun! We saw at least four people from Cub Scouts, including Aidan's teacher and her son there. Two of our den members were there with their moms and one of the older boys from the Pack was there with his mom. It was great!

Today, I'm recovering. I haven't been wearing heels since September or October and my feet are letting me know it. Plus various parts of me are protesting. I enjoyed it and when I get the photo we had taken last night, I'll get my one co-worker to scan it in and I'll post it.

Another checkup

I had a follow up on my eyes yesterday. I'm healing pretty well, all things considered. It was a good visit, in my opinion. I talked to the opthalmologist (not Dr. B this time) about healing time, etc. He said it can take up to 3 months for things to get to 'normal'. There was a piece of GOOD news out of the whole thing...I read the 20/15 line! He was pretty impressed with it, especially since I had been so horribly nearsighted. I was happy to hear that!
The incision is still "dry around the edges", so I have to keep using my drops every thirty minutes. I'm bad about that, especially at work because I don't always think about it. I don't have timers set either. Other than that, the only other thing was that I lost one of the punctal plugs (tear duct plug) and he had to replace it. That was a fun thing because he accidentally poked me and I jumped. I'm sorry, I don't do surprise very well!

When I got back from the doctor's office, work literally hammered me. It was a super busy day here. We were short-handed, which couldn't be helped, but didn't help us. Every time we'd get the calls cleared out, it seemed like we'd barely catch our breaths and there'd be MORE calls! I had a discussion with one gentleman about the fact that he couldn't receive from one location. 30 minutes later, we were convinced that it was a phone line issue. Needless to say, that was a long call that my manager wasn't pleased about! I had another long call with a sales manager, trying to help him with an issue HE had.

Today has been a tiny bit better...it's still busy and nutty but nothing like yesterday. It helps that most everyone is here.

I'm going to TRY to use the hour of comp time I have (from last week, when we had the ice storm, came in late and worked through lunch because we didn't know when to go to lunch!) We'll see if my director will let me leave. I hope so. I'd really like to go try to find a nice jacket for Aidan. He's taking me to a "Mother/Son Dance" tomorrow night. We got our tickets in the mail yesterday.

Goal Setting

The Seven Step Process for Achieving Goals
Here, once more, is the simple, seven-step process that you can use to achieve your goals faster and easier than ever before. 

First, decide exactly what you want in each area of your life. Be specific! 

Second, write it down, clearly and in detail; 

Third, set a specific deadline. If it is a large goal, break it down into sub-deadlines and write them down in order; 

Fourth, make a list of everything you can think of that you are going to have to do to achieve your goal. As you think of new items, add them to your list; 

Fifth, organize the items on your list into a plan by placing them in the proper sequence and priority; 

Sixth, take action immediately on the most important thing you can do on your plan. This is very important! 

Seventh, do something every day that moves you toward the attainment of one or more of your important goals. Maintain the momentum!

More musings

This was something I had posted a few years ago (nearly 2 years ago) at a different blog. It's an interesting treatise.

This week I want to take some time in talking about Moo Do, “the Way” of martial arts. Now, I’m not brilliant so I’m going to take a lot of this from a Texas-based master named Keith Yates. Grandmaster Yates is an adjunct professor at Dallas Theological Seminary, so he pretty much knows what he’s talking about.

Moo Do, Korean for “The way” or path of martial arts is broken into three aspects, the physical, emotional, and mental. The physical portion of Moo Do is fairly simple, we train for the cardiovascular, strength, and flexibility. We want to improve ourselves, to look better, to be faster than our peers or even our spouse.

The emotional aspect (the heart of the matter) focuses on happiness. How is happiness determined? I once thought it was more money, then more time, now I find that it is more honesty. I like being around people that have a good heart, do not complain about what they can’t change, and make positive contributions to society. This makes me happy, it feels me up emotionally, it makes me smile.

The last part of Moo Do is the mental. I hope you agree that by asking each of you, students and parents, to bow when you enter the training rooms has instilled a sense of discipline. Respect and Discipline are very important to succeeding in life. Bill Gates (MicroSoft) has recently given up the majority of his duties as head of the company, so that he can focus on charity work. What do you think he can accomplish when he focuses himself and his disciplined mind onto solving the world’s humanitarian problems?

So, tomorrow I am asking you to set three goals for yourself. 1) Train harder and eat better, 2) Be more honest and happy, and 3) seek knowledge by learning something new. Balancing out your life and setting the mindset of perfection will make you stronger. Achieving the balance of Moo Do will enable you to be a better martial artist, to become a black belt in you heart and in your mind.

Monday morning musings

Last week we had an ice storm. I picked up one of my co-workers on Wednesday from the train station and while I was there, I was inspired to write something. Since then, I haven't been able to find that notebook I wrote in. I haven't seriously written poetry in years. I keep reading my friends' blogs and am envious that they have found their Muses. They're artistically inclined. I don't draw. I don't paint. (My kids both do) I want to do something that is artistic. I guess in some ways, my martial arts is an outlet for me to be artistic in a way. It's definitely a soothing, calming thing. I find that it's meditative as well as physical. I wonder if that's considered artistic?

I've been thinking about moving too. The lease is up on our apartment at the end of March. We can either stay where we are, or we can try to find something less expensive and move. We found a house for lease, but...the problem there is that we'd have to move Aidan out of his school. I really don't want him leaving his school because I know the teachers and the people there. I like this school. I guess I am not being fair because I'm not giving the other school a chance, but I'd rather keep him where he is. I still have a month to think about it.

Sunday...Tag!

My friend, Gal Friday, tagged me on her blog, so I decided to go ahead and post this.

This is what you have to do:

1. Go to the the 4th folder where you keep your pictures on your computer.

2. Post the 4th picture in the folder.

3. Explain the photo.

4. Tag 4 fellow bloggers to join in the fun!
I tag Claus, Lorraine, Claudia and April.

This picture was taken in December, 2005. My daughter was in Girl Scouts and we were taking part in a Christmas Parade hosted by the City of Allen. This is the High School marching band. This band is incredibly good and sound just wonderful! We heard them coming through the trees, before we even saw them. We were sitting in the back of the leader's husband's pick up truck when they came by. It was very chilly and lots of fun. The whole parade lasted an hour or so from when we went to the staging area to when the parade ended. I look forward to attending parades when my daughter is in the Marching band because I'll be able to say "My daughter is in that band!!"

Have to brag about the Cub Scouts

At the November Pack meeting, I challenged all the boys in the Pack to collect cans of food for a food drive to correspond with the one my company was holding. I challenged them to collect 10 cans of food per boy. One of the boys was really dedicated. Here is his dad's recounting:

My son, W really took the December Food Drive to heart
He did a lot of work, collecting a total 86 cans of food!

He started by writing a letter -- asking for assistance
He delivered the letter to 91 families throughout the Waterford neighborhood

The letter began by saying “He is proud to be a Scout”
The letter explained the reasons why he was collecting the cans of food
It told them when he would come back to pick-up the cans
The Waterford neighbors were generous

W collected 86 cans of food.
As he went through the neighborhood, he used his red rider wagon to collect the cans
It took three trips back to the house to move all of the food

W wrote a “thank you” letter
He delivered it to each family that helped in the food drive
After it was over W said, “Some needy people would have a meal because of the Scout’s efforts”

That is a great boy and he embodies the Spirit of Scouting!!

Scouting Saturday

Today was the Pinewood Derby at school. We had a lot of fun there. I don't know the final count was, but I think we had a good turnout.
We got there around 8:45 for check in. They weighed and measured our car, then took it and added it to our class for the race. Once you've checked in, you're free to go. I talked to one of the parents in our Den for a few minutes, then we left and went to have breakfast and do some chores. We came back at 10:30, which was in time for the end of the Wolves and beginning of the Bears. That was fun. Our car was a solid second place car in every heat it ran in, until the semi-finals. At that point, it fell to a faster car. Overall, it was a lot of fun.

There were no "injuries" to the car--the wheels stayed on the car, nothing broke. Yay. The only thing that happened was that the software hiccuped but we worked through that. Our next step is to plan for the Scouting for Food, and the various things that are going on. We have our Pack Meeting on Tuesday and then I have to go to Round Table on Thursday. Round Table, I'm finding, is a lot of fun. It's an hour or so of games, then they have breakout sessions to help plan for things like Blue and Gold (the banquet to celebrate Scouting and the Crossing Over of the Weebelos to Boy Scouts), campouts, etc. Busy, busy!!

Tomorrow I'm staying home and doing NOTHING. I want to relax and rest.

Heading to Pinewood

Pinewood Derby is Saturday. We are ready. We have two cars, but only one of them is painted. If I was smart, I'd get the second car painted and have it ready to go. The first car is a green color, called "green goddess" by Valspar. It's a nice, light green. The car now has flames on the sides and "eyes" near the nose end of it. There's a sticker that says "Hot rod" on the back. Overall, it's a cute car.
Aidan likes it. We are taking it to the school for a pre-race inspection and weight. I might let him run it on the track for a few tests to make sure it runs well. After that, it's back home and time to rest and get ready for Saturday.

I went to martial arts tonight to just let them know that I'm around and still planning on coming back to class. I spoke to Master M, Ms. Mad and Ms. S, plus Mr. L. I was very happy to see them. I feel like it was the right decision to go over there. I had hoped to see Master G but he wasn't there. I'll go another night when he is there. In the meantime, now I need to kick my butt back into some workouts so that I can get myself into shape to go back. I feel very confident that this is the place for me. I didn't feel ashamed for being out. They were nice and didn't make me feel bad at all. On the contrary, I felt like I was right where I belonged.

TADA!!

This is the first picture that's been taken of me since having Lasik.