Great week

This has been an interesting week. I went to class on Tuesday and on Thursday. By Thursday, I was counting in Korean. I learned a bit about the Korean flag. I can explain what the bars on the flag mean. I haven't learned the name of the Yin/Yang symbol in the middle of the flag, but I CAN tell you that the blue is Female, the red is male. On Tuesday, I worked with Master M and K on Pyung Ahn Ee Danm. I feel like I'm doing it better. It's definitely coming together. I learned how to transition to the inside/outside block, kick, reverse punch. That looks better now.

Last night we worked on hand techniques, then went on to work on kicks. Master F gave us a drill where we worked on a high x block. Please pardon me...I had the Korean for that but just let it escape. Sang Soo Sang Dan Mahkee...that's it!
We used a blocking tool, but I can just imagine how that would have felt if we'd been using actual swords/bats/whatever. That and one steps are my next things to work on at home. Well, one steps and Ho Sin Sul. I need that. I want to go back to class and be prepared.

I am also working on learning the Funakoshi codes. In our school, every first gup should be able to know these codes and explain them. It stands to reason that if I am walking into the position of Dan in this school, I must learn it as well, so that's what I'm working on. I DID just learn to count to ten in Korean so that's a good thing. I feel like I've crossed a bridge there. I'm getting somewhere.

In talking to my chiropractor about a few things, I mentioned that I didn't turn my hips over when I was doing side kicks.. He's a martial artist, so he had an answer for it. I need to get a "wobble board". My friend, S, said she got one after one of her knee surgeries. She swears by it. I'm going to look into it. Dr. B says that working on my balance will fix my kicking. I'll be less rooted and more balanced. I think it'll make a huge difference in everything--forms, technique, one steps, ho sin sul. I might even get past the fear of falling that I have. It's certainly worth a shot!!

A little of this, a little of that...

I am doing amazingly well in NOT going absolutely bonkers and nuts, all things considered today. It's my late day, and I had training first off. I didn't get off my last call until 2:00 and will have to get back on the phone at 2:30 because I will run into someone else's break if I go until 3:00. It's a crazy thing. I don't believe in taking other peoples' breaks...they prefer that courtesy, I hope. That doesn't mean that they'll return it, but you know what? I'm making the effort! That's all that matters.

I've about decided that I'm a closet writer. I don't write the best things, but I love to write. I really need to decide WHAT to write and then actually sit down and write. I may surprise myself. I haven't truly decided what I want to do "when I grow up", but I'm sure that another 20 years of answering the phones may do me in.

Hubby gave me a new camera as a combined Mother's Day/birthday present. I've got to find myself a CF card or an XD card for it now. It can take either one. I charged the battery yesterday, so now I have to get busy and read the manual.
I won't call myself a photographer, only an amateur, but I'm enjoying it. I have a dear friend I learned a lot from. I have to credit him for how some of my pictures turn out. I took a close up picture of a bluebonnet that I can credit Rhys for because I wouldn't have ever thought to get that close to one before we became friends.

Anyway...I suppose I need to get back on the phone. I only have a little over 3 hours left until I get to leave for the day!!

The return of me....

I've been working on my mental issues this week and this weekend. I may finally be feeling less moody and less down on myself. I know I haven't been in the right place in my head, but I've been working on that. I'm trying to tell myself nice things daily. I tried it a few months ago and gave it up, but I'm starting over. I want to give myself a fighting chance to be the person I know I want to be. I want to be happier and healthier.

I'm looking forward to this week. I have to work, of course, because I haven't won the darned lottery (YET), but...I'm making the best out of THAT situation. I can't control the crap that goes on--the people who appear to be doing other things than answering the phones, but I'm not going to worry about that too much. I'm not in charge. Someone else is. Until they give me the go ahead to worry about the phones, I'm only going to worry about me, not about others.

We're going camping with the family next weekend and that's going to be a great thing. I'm really, really looking forward to it. Getting out and about, enjoying being disconnected from cell phones, mp3 players, etc. I'm looking forward to that. I promised the boys that if I could get their Den leaders to agree to it, we'll all go out in the woods, close our eyes and listen to the sounds of the birds we'll hear out there. I also volunteered to be the MC on Saturday night at the campfire, when the boys are doing skits (this is a Cub Scout Family campout). I think I can handle it. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a big mouth. LOL! I'm going to have fun with it.

Tuesday and Thursday is karate. I wasn't in class last week due to Cubs and not feeling 100%, so this is going to be a good thing. I'm seeing my doctor on Wednesday and will have a good report from him, I hope. As of this past Friday, he said he was fairly satisfied with my progress. I'm happy to hear that. It means that I'm doing better at controlling things like sitting with my foot tucked up under my rear, etc. I'm consciously thinking about that and correcting it if I happen to find myself doing it. He also told me that I need to build up my upper and lower body strength as well as my core strength. I found a series of exercises in Self Magazine that are great for 'tush tighteners' and they also work the arms and legs as well. I just have to remember to do them on non-consecutive days. I want these exercises to work, so I have to work on them three days a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday mornings, then Tuesday and Thursday are karate. This will work out. I'm going to ask another friend who teaches mixed martial arts classes if I can come in and work with him a couple of times to get some serious cardio work in. I think I finally got serious. I really do.

I was able to find a couple of things I wanted to find this week...I found my language CD so I can review my Korean for class. I also found my other "foot" hidden in my closet tonight, so I have my complete sparring gear again. YAY! Now all I need to do is to get a mouth guard and I think we have one hiding around here somewhere. I'm almost prepared. My next step is to get myself physically fit and I'll feel better. I've decided that I need to get off my (bleep!) and start working on myself. I will feel better and will have a lot more self confidence.

Japanese Festival

Yesterday, Amanda and I went to the Japanese Festival in Fort Worth at the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens, in the Japanese Gardens. We went with the BTK ladies. It was a lot of fun. We heard Taiko drummers, saw some dancing and of course, martial arts demonstrations. The first martial arts demonstration was a Hanbo-Jitsu demonstration. That was interesting. They used various grabs and arm bars. We watched one big guy pick up a girl and she showed everyone how to get out of it. She literally swung her feet up, then used her momentum to get her feet back to the ground. Then she dropped a shoulder and threw the guy over her shoulder to the ground.
We watched them, then wandered off to the Zen garden area. Amanda made an origami crane (which I put into her purse, so it got mushed) and got her name written in Kanjii. We tried to do fish painting with the kids since we had three kids, but the ladies at the fish painting pavilion said they were out of paper.

We went out and had lunch out by the Rose Gardens. There were a lot of brides there, taking pictures. It was really neat to see. I think there was at least one wedding taking place because we saw a party of people who were in green dresses and of course, tuxedos. I don't think I saw the bride, just the bridal party.

One of our members, K, and her family brought lunch for us all. She spoiled us immensely. We had a mushroom and rice dish, Japanese meatballs, an egg dish that I liked (need to get the recipe from her!) and for an end, we had cheesecake. It was really good. She likes to cook and it shows. We were spoiled rotten by her. Thank you for that meal, K!!

After that, we wandered around a bit. The weather was misty, humid and very nice. It was peaceful in the gardens. They have a Zen garden that must take a long time to get it just right. There's also several connecting small ponds that are interconnected. They have very large koi in these ponds. The koi know that whenever something is dropped into the water, it's food. They literally will swarm the bridges and the areas near the edge of the pool that are accessible to the public. The caretakers of the gardens have set out food dispensers with kibble specifically for the feeding of the koi. Those fish are HUGE!! Amanda had a blast feeding them. This was her first visit to the gardens. I've been there before, but it has been many years since I was last out there.
There's also a large blue heron out there who regularly eats the koi. From what I was told, the groundskeepers call him "jaws". He's protected, so they can't do anything about it. I got a couple of pictures of him but I was too far away for a good shot. I need to get a new camera for long distance pictures, but that's a dream for another time.

We watched another martial arts demonstration before we left. This one was a combination karate and Tai Chi demonstration. His Tai Chi class demonstration was very serene and looked nice. I would like to take classes some time. If he wasn't out in Fort Worth, I'd be more than happy to take classes. I liked the way the Sensei ran his demo. He didn't have JUST his high ranked karate students out there. He had the full range of students, from white belt to black belt. I really enjoyed seeing it. He ran the demonstration as if he was teaching a normal class. He had the students run through katas. I could see the similarities between the forms I do in Tang Soo Do and the karate kata they were doing. At the end of his karate demonstration, Sensei came down to the mats and did a kata, which I think was Bassai. It was beautifully executed.

They had the Tai Chi students come back out afterwards and they had a group Tai Chi session with the audience. Amanda participated in that and says she enjoyed it. She followed the person in front of her and beside her and did fairly well.

This was the first Japanese Festival I've attended. I think if I'm invited again next year, I'm going.

UIL Competition

Oldest child had a UIL competition today. It was held at one of the local high schools. They had a competition in both playing and sight reading. The band, both Symphonic and Honors (which #1 daughter is in) took 1's in the competitions. I am very proud of them. They did a great job of preparation leading up to the competition. Last month, they had a pre-UIL competition and did very well according to their director.

The next step is for the kids who are getting ready to move on to the Freshman Center get ready for Marching Band. That happens on May 5th. Then we have a Spring Concert on May 28th. At some point, her hectic school schedule may simmer down a little bit, but I'm not 100% sure. There's still a summer time band camp for her to attend.

Bring on the ice packs

Today I went to see a chiropractor for the first time in many years. He was recommended by a friend and I decided that I'd finally get off my butt and go see him. They were able to get me in today (hooray!). He was a very kind and thorough guy. He doesn't strike me as the type to run a thousand tests on you (nor did he!) to get more money out of you. He doesn't have a huge office, nor a ton of people waiting and I think I liked that the best.

He examined me, took some x-rays and then put me on a "tens machine". They were trying to get the nerve in the lower back stimulated to respond better. That was a neat experience. It's like getting a lot of little shocks but it felt good, if that makes sense? It wasn't like a shock of putting your finger into a light socket or whatever. It was just a really good, tingly feeling.

After that session, he manipulated my back some. He had this table that was a bit like a "rack". He strapped my legs down and *stretched* the nerve that runs down the back. He also interpreted my x-rays and told me how we needed to approach the pain I've been feeling. (The pain has been a numb, tingly, sharp, off and on pain that has been with me for over a year. I thought it was my I/T band (ilio-tibial) but he thinks it's a pinched sacral nerve. I forget the name of the nerve, but he thinks that's the problem.

So, after he "tortured" me on the rack, he told me to go home and ice myself. I wasn't able to do it because I had to get Mr. A from school and make dinner, then I had class to go to. I went and had a lot of fun. It was an intense class!
We worked on a lot of things--Ho Sin Sul, One Steps. It was well worth going. I dont' regret much...other than not knowing how to speak Korean. We started out class with a warm up that included 10 jumping jacks per person. PER PERSON!!! 100 jumping jacks. YIKES!! LOL! My poor calves are a bit stiff and sore right now. I've already knocked back 32 ounces of water and may attack another one. We shall see.

It's time to get an ice pack out and and put it on my hip. I feel like I did a lot of good today. I got adjusted, then I went to class and worked hard. I feel like I made a huge improvement in my technique. I do need to remember to ask for help when I don't know something.

Now I'm going to relax.

Reviewing myself

I had Dan training yesterday and I had a chance to talk to Master G. I told him that I was in a better place in my mind. I'm not 100% over myself and my "wannas" but I'll get over it. There's a saying in the dojang--check your ego at the door. I'm not stupid enough to think that I'm as good as the Dans I trained with. I know I have MUCH to learn, but they were there to help me. I worked with Mr. L and had a lot of fun learning. He was so serious but such a good person to learn from. He made no bones about grabbing me during the Ho Sin Sparring. His goal was to grab me and my goal was to get out of his grip. In the past, I would have tried to avoid any sort of thing like that and would have made excuses for trying to get away. I had no option to do that. It was a serious training. It wasn't a "you have to do as little as possible". I like the challenge. I promised Ms. S that I wouldn't flinch (much!) when someone hit me. She warned me that I would be taking hits, but not to say "Ouch!" because they would exploit it and would work on me for that. I'm pleased to say that I didn't flinch (much!) about taking grabs. You know what? I'd be ready to do it again.

I am going to be working on myself. I want to get myself to the point where I'm not afraid of being me. I'm not going to be a whiny person if I can avoid it. I rather like myself the way I think I'm becoming. I didn't like the whiner I was. I've since been working on how I think. I'm leaving the "I don't..." outside the dojang. If I need help, I'm going to have to put aside my ego and ASK.
I do NOT know the Korean (hangul?), but darn it, I WILL learn it! I can now count to six in Korean...I'm working on that. I'm working on terminology. I'm not afraid to ask now. I make mistakes and now can laugh about it. (Ask my classmates about the 7 Class Tenents that turned into 8! There was extra credit for knowing the 8th one according to Master F!)

I still have much to learn. In terms of my learning, I'm just starting out on my journey in BTK. I'm feeling a lot of love and exasperation from my classmates. There are days when I'm sure they want to whap me upside the head, but you know what? I don't think I'd blame 'em for it!

Sore, but knowledge filled Saturday

I love hurting. It means that I actually LEARNED something!! Today was no exception. I attended the first Dan training I have attended in quite some time. You know what? I feel awesome (despite hurting)!! I truly feel that I learned a lot and can put it toward my training in my normal classes.

Master G taught us. He started us out with a quick self warm up for a couple of minutes, then, as there were enough of us to have to form two lines, we paired up with the person in the line ahead of us. I got to work with Mr. L. It's really good to work with someone different because you can't predict what they're going to do when you're sparring. More on that later...

We did a partner warm up with a medicine ball. We had to stand back to back, then one person lifted the ball up over his or her head to their partner. The partner then brought it down and passed it through their legs and stood back up. We did 10-20 of those. I think I blanked out on the exact number. It doesn't matter. It was a warm up.

After that, we did an "oblique twist". MG didn't call it that, but it fits it. With your ball, you are going to twist to the side and pass the ball to your partner, who is going to twist past the midline to grab it. It was a challenge to NOT grab my partner's hands. I got dizzy and when I talked to Master G after class, he said that if you don't breathe, you will get that dizzy feeling. It's good to know. He also gave us some pointers about practicing moving our hands to get in an extra workout for our hands and wrists. It improves the flexibility there too.

We worked on targeting our kicks. As Dans, we should be able to execute a kick well, but to be EFFECTIVE, you have to know how to target and how to hit your target. MG had us pay attention to hitting the target (we used the 'clapper' things and big pads). The first kick was an 'outside/inside crescent kick'...need to work on my terminology knowledge because I can see that I'm missing some thing.

After the inside/outside crescent (12 on each leg, twice), then we switched to side kicks. Again, we worked on targeting and on using our hips. You have to pay attention to how you move your hips and you have to PIVOT on that support foot, not lock it.

We also worked on sparring and Ho Sin Sul, in combination. We went slowly, but had to put the Ho Sin Sul in.. Basically, as you are sparring, let yourself be grabbed, then get out of it using the appropriate defense. It's a lot harder than it sounds. I had a hard time breaking free from Mr. L because he has a good, hard grip. I like things like that because I can learn from him while I'm working with him. I liked the combination of sparring and Ho Sin Sul. I would like to do that again.

Came home from class and have basically done very little. I wrote things in my training notebooks, but nothing else. I'm currently sitting on the couch with the cat and my computer.

Nice night for a walk

This is a bummer. We walked up to the junior high school tonight to go use the track. When we got there, we found that the track is locked up. No entrance. Big padlock on the fence. boo! That meant that I couldn't go running. Since I couldn't run, we just made it a nice round trip walk. It's 1.2 miles from our apartment to the school and I'm assuming it's another 1.2 miles back, so we walked 2.4 miles today. I've got karate tomorrow night, so a walk is out of the question, but probably on Wednesday we'll go walking again.

One of my friends had warned me not to let the weather get to me. I came close, I'll have you know! I came home, sat on the couch and thought about excuses. Then I got up, put my shoes on and we went walking. No, it wasn't the run I wanted, but at least I walked!! We were out for about 30-40 minutes, but we weren't walking fast. I'll work my way up to that. Google Maps says that the route is about 16 minutes on foot. If that's the case, I can cut it down in successive walks.

So. There you have it. I walked. Part one down.

SUNday

These little flowers are so bight, they appear to reflect the light. They were part of the pictures we took yesterday. I enjoyed that. I want to get out and go look for more wildflowers. I may have to wait for about another week or so in order to get some really GOOD pictures.

I'm sitting by the window, looking at the doves that keep flying up to the patio and tormenting the cat. Last week, we were sitting on the couch when a dove came up, perched on the ledge right outside the living room window and peeked in the window. We had the window open and Skeeter saw the bird. He went to the window really fast. We just laughed ourselves silly. That bird apparently wanted to find out what we were doing and Skeeter surprised them!!

Next weekend, I may actually start attempting to run. I figure I'll go to the track and start out with one lap first, then work up to two and so forth. I'm going to drag the kids with me. We might walk it first, then attempt a run. It'll be a good challenge. I don't know if the Middle School track will be open, but if it's not, the High School track will be. There are always people out at that track.
I'm setting a small goal--by the end of April, I want to confidently run 1 lap around that track. I don't know how long I want to say it should take me, but 4 laps is a mile and I should be able to finish THAT in 10 minutes. Time to work up to a ten minute mile. The whole point is to NOT get disappointed if I don't make the mile. The point is to TRY to get the quarter mile first and then work up to the mile.

First Saturday in April

This morning, we went out early and went hunting. We were hunting for bluebonnets. For those who aren't from Texas, the bluebonnet is the state flower. When they bloom, they don't bloom onesies or twosies, but rather full patches, like in the picture above. They are very impressive when they're in full bloom because the color is so blue, it's nearly purple.


The bluebonnets are hardy plants and very pretty. If you're lucky enough to be able to find some that haven't been invaded by visitors, you can get pretty good shots.

Whenever you see the bluebonnets, you will know that Spring has sprung.

Hooray for Friday!

First of all...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ML!!
I don't know if you even read this blog, but Happy Birthday anyway!

I'm so happy it's Friday! I'm planning on taking advantage of the great weather we're supposed to have this weekend to open windows and let in some fresh air. Spring cleaning is here. I just hope I stay motivated. I haven't been too horribly motivated lately.

I'm leaving work at 4:00 today (or 3:30 if my boss will approve an extra 30 minutes), so that makes me cheerful. I can start my weekend off early. Little things like that make me happy. It's all about being happy. (snicker)

I think I've been happier this week than I have been in a while. I've been reading a book by Bob Harper called Are You Ready! Yes, it is THE Bob, one of the trainers from Biggest Loser. I found his book a couple of weeks ago and hubby decided that he'd buy it for me. I started it and while I have put it aside periodically, I've picked it up and am back where I started.
Chapter 2 was a definite motivator. It is titled "Accept where you are and forgive". Hmmm. Think that one speaks volumes. I have read that chapter all the way through once, but put the book down, so I'm going to pick it back up and re-read it.

Review and conquerI

I got to refresh my mind the on the Open Handed Arnis and the arm bar I learned last night from Ms. M today. I had a chance to demonstrate to the resident BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) student at work.

I was able to demonstrate this to him because I trapped him in my cubicle. He had come in from doing an install of a fax machine and had forgotten something, so he came in to check on it. I reminded him of how the machine operated and then was able to show him some non work-related things. It was well worth it.
Of course, he had to show me a few things from his class. We talked about the similarities to that arm bar and one he showed me.

I also refreshed my memory by typing my notes to a couple of fellow students in class. It's fun to go back and look over your notes after they're not "fresh"...it's a good refresher. Tomorrow night I'll miss the next part of the Arnis...I've got a Cub Scout function I need to go to. I only have 2 more...would have been only this one but I didn't go to the meeting at the first of March because I was sick.

I am also reviewing forms and my 'c-step' as I want to get back into 'fighting form'. I really think I'm getting my head out of the darkness! YAY!!

Cubs. Karate. Missed classes

The last Tuesday of the month is a busy one. We have Cub Scouts at the end of the month, so I have to miss out on classes for that. The first Thursday of the month is also Roundtable, so I will miss class on Thursday.

When we finished with Cub Scouts, I took the young Bear (he was awarded his Bear tonight, so he's ready to advance to Weebelos ) with me and we went to my class. I had promised myself that if I had the time, I'd go to observe. I'm very glad I did. Ms. M was teaching some Arnis which was wickedly awesome.

They were in the smaller room, but at about 8:35, they moved to the Wooden room and they allowed me and the youngster to go in there with them. Ms. S told me that I should have gone in since they had been working on the Arnis. I was allowed to come in, observe and make notes, so I had to make sure that I got some really good notes.

I found out that Mr. B had also been there, teaching the first part of class. He had a tool box with him. In his toolbox was a hammer, a sledgehammer and I forget what else Ms. M said was in there. There wasn't anything in the bottom of it, but there was a really good lesson there. I've asked Ms. M to give Mr. B my email address so that I could get his talk on the toolbox from him. I'm a bit disappointed that I missed out on it, but...I'll just have to see if I can get the info directly from the source.

After class was over, I got Ms. M to show me the Arnis techniques she'd been teaching in class. That was incredible and awesome. I was thrilled to be able to work with her and learn from her. It meant a lot to me to get the opportunity to get some time after class to work on what I was missing out on. Even the young man jumped in and did the one exercise, a "wall press". (It wasn't actually sitting on it, but it had to do with inner strength.)

I also got to talk to Ms. M and apologised to her for my temper fit after class and during class last Tuesday. I told her that I had behaved inappropriately and that I owed her an apology. I explained why I'd felt like that. She said "everyone goes through it". I really appreciated her taking time out of her night to talk to me after class. That was something I appreciate.

Even though I didn't go to class officially, I think I learned a lot. I'm very happy and feel that I got a lot out of it. I am going to take what I learned tonight and put it to good use. I'm a lot happier and in a better place in my mind.

I'm ready to learn more!!

Epiphany?

I had an epiphany of sorts today. It all has to do with attitude and how you approach life.


Due to the way things have been lately, I've done a lot more soul searching and thinking than I would have done normally. I let my poor self esteem ruin my confidence and thought about that a bit. I put myself into a friend's shoes and then decided that I could do a bit more being like her. I owe her a huge THANK YOU!!

Thursday night I had one of the best classes I've let myself have in forever. I felt...surprisingly GOOD about it. I have told myself "I don't remember..." (fill in a form). That's self defeatist and I'm not going there any more. I will not allow myself to say "I don't..." Instead, I'm going to ask for help and refreshing my memory. I have to start that or I'll just hurt myself. I mean I'll hurt myself mentally and emotionally. I don't need that. If I'm going to stay in martial arts, I have to toughen myself up. I have a quote on the signature of my email that has maybe finally sunk in..."He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~Lao Tzu "     

Wish List

We recently had visitors from out of state stay with us. They live in Idaho Falls. I've lived Washington State, but have never been to the Northern states such as Idaho, Montana, the Dakotas, etc. Hubby and I got to talking today about making plans. We had asked our guests if they were close to Glacier National Park in Montana. They aren't too horribly far, probably 2-4 hours drive, I think she said.
We are a 28 hour drive (Google Maps said it was 1 day, 4 hours to get there from here) away. We're now looking at the possibility of traveling up that way this summer. It would be a great experience for all of us. I know I would love being away from the 100+ degree temperatures that are Texas in the summer. The average temperatures during the summer up there are the 60s-70s. Can we say "climate envy"?!

So, on my wish list for now is a trip up North for the summer. It'll do us all good to get out and go electron free for a while. We may enjoy it!!

I feel good

I'm pretty tired and wiped out, but I have to say that I feel so much better tonight than I did the other night, it's not even funny! I got to work with a very patient Master who helped me overcome some differences in the way I learned and the way I need to do forms now. I feel much better about doing them.
We worked on the Keechyo forms: Keechyo Hyung Il Bu, Keechyo Hyung Ee Bu, Keechyo Hyung Sam Bu. Then we broke off and worked on forms with different people. I worked with Master M and Mr. S. We reviewed Pyung Ahn Ee Dan and I learned some neat ways to improve what I knew...It was a great refresher and I think I feel a bit more confident about being able to remember the forms now. n
We also worked on Pyung Ahn Sam Dan (that's the form I call "Superman". I'd love to see Oldman's take on that!), Pyung Ahn Sah Dan and then Pyung Ahn Oh Dan. I feel that I have a better grasp of the forms. I can actually SEE a few basic moves and why you'd do them.
During Pyung Ahn Sah Dan, I did the thing I have always done...I reached up as if I was grabbing a giant. I have to keep in mind that the grab (it's a collar grab) is not meant to be grabbing giants. It is meant to be grabbing a person who is roughly your same size. I would not be reaching for a person who is 6'9 when I'm only 5'3!!! Keeping that in mind will be beneficial.

We ended with Pyung Ahn Oh Dan. I can't call it "Oh dam" anymore because that one I actually had mostly in my head. Of course, I'd been talking about it with a friend via text messages and it's still on my phone, but that doesn't count. I wasn't looking at the phone when I went through the forms.


Over all, I feel MUCH better about this class than I did on Tuesday. I felt that I had a more open mind, that I was receptive to working hard on my forms and that I was receptive to asking for help. That's what I needed.

Don't make goals if they're unrealistic...

I think I just learned a hard lesson.
Last night, during class, I felt like a total failure. I called myself a fraud and let myself get discouraged and irritated with myself. I wrote a note on Facebook, whining about my "failure". My friends responded by telling me to think about it honestly and realistically. They told me that I'm only as good as I allow myself to be, but that I might be setting goals that are unrealistic, therefore causing me to lose my way.

I've let my own stupid ideals and "goals" get in the way of what I wanted to do. I thought that the natural progression of things was to keep pushing, to go to the next belt, and so on and so on. I lost track of ME. I lost my focus. Along the way, I think I alienated a couple of people I depended on. I SAID I wasn't focusing on a belt, but in secret, I set a 'goal'. I didn't live up to that goal and therefore disappointed myself.

I have spent days thinking about being "inadequate",and "incompetent". I was getting this, not from an instructor, but from my own misguided feelings of "this is the level I should be training at..." I set a bar too high and in my "quest" for that bar, I fell to earth. Hard.

Crash landing is rough.

I've had to rearrange my thinking. I won't say I'm totally over my whining right now, but I'm going to take a long, hard look at what I want. I've had a recommendation to start over at a different school, in a different style. Actually, I've had two recommendations. I do not want to start over. I prefer to stay in the school I'm in. A friend told me that I wasn't just going into a school, I was moving into a family.

I wasn't used to the family atmosphere. I came from a school where it was all "here's how you do this." There wasn't a WHY. I am not used to asking 'why'. I'm not used to the way things are done in this school. I am going to remove the scales from my eyes and open my mind.
I got a very good email from someone who is helpful. She's proven that she's a good friend. She pointed out that the number one thing about advancing is COMMITMENT. If you don't commit, you won't go anywhere.

I'm going to refocus myself and work on my commitment. I have to first commit myself to what I want to do. I need to commit to working hard. Hard work is not a bad thing. I work hard at work, so why not commit myself to the hard work of martial arts. If I want to be my best, I need to get off my butt and work NOW for what I want.

I need to look at what I do want. Do I want glory? No. Do I want to be a good martial artist? Yes. Emphatically, YES! I'm not going to get there by sitting on my butt, doing nothing. I have to practice or I won't get where I want to be.

In the meantime, I need to lower the bar. The goal is not to raise that bar so high you can't reach it. Instead, the bar must be at a reasonable level so that you can work toward raising it.
That is what I must do now.

Reality Check

I had a doctor's appointment this morning and got a hefty dose of reality. I have gained 21 pounds since my last appointment (last year). I actually got a chance to bring up some important points that have been bothering me, such as the stress I'm under at work. He listened as I explained to him that part of my "stress relief" is eating and eating and eating when I'm stressed. I admitted it, which is part and parcel of beginning to help myself, I hope. In a way, it feels really good to admit that. I am an emotional eater and I explained to him that I eat when I get overwhelmed at work. That's something that I need to work on. He suggested that I look into Weight Watchers again. It's got an accountability factor built in. I'm considering it. I may have to weigh the difference between Weight Watchers Online and actual WW meetings.

After the appointment, I came home and hung out with my husband. It's our anniversary, so we took a few days off together. We watched The 300 together. It was the first time I've seen it. Not a bad movie. It was a bit gory, but it depicted an interesting time in history. If you haven't seen it, it depicts the Battle of Thermopolye. It was the Spartans against the Persians. Very interesting historical references. I liked it.

My boss called while we were watching the movie and left me a message to call back. He thenasked me if I would be willing to come in tomorrow and work. I told him, "NO. I have plans for tomorrow." (Hub and I initially had planned on going out of town tomorrow but we're going to go look at a house instead.) Anyway, I *had* to say no. I always say "yes" and am feeling used and abused and not respected for doing so. Well, no more. I'm standing up for myself. I know that the department will be hurting with two people out (one of the guys has jury duty tomorrow), but I'm sorry. I just cannot keep interrupting MY plans for the company. If it makes me less of a company woman, well, I guess that's my loss.

We just got back from a walk. We walked over to the school and picked up our son from school. It was about a mile and that wasn't bad at all. My doctor wants me to go walking daily. He said that most of the patients he has who have lost weight successfully have done so by portion control, watching what they eat and exercise. I'm trying to start out on the right foot.

Vernal Equinox

Happy Spring! It started at 6:44 this morning for us here in Texas. Unfortunately, I know it's still deep winter in other parts of the world and believe me, I would much rather share my sunshine with you than know that you're buried under feet of snow!

Driving in to work this morning, I fairly conscious of my surroundings. I noticed how the trees have gone from the grayish brown of a few weeks ago to sprouting leaves. They're now a soft yellow-green color in addition to the grayish brown. It's definitely been Spring here. There are the Bradford Pears (my nemesis, apparently as I get stuffy when they show up!), and then the redbuds bloom out. Right now, there's a riot of birdsong every morning. We hear cardinals, mockingbirds and of course, the ever present doves. Those birds are around year round, it seems! I think there are blue jays out and about too. Every so often you hear a loud "cawing" noise, which Tony says is a blue jay. He's a better birder than I am. It's another thing I'm just learning as I get older.

Anyway, Happy Spring. I wish a pleasant and warm day to everyone.