Another long day

Today was another long day. I am filling in for my manager while he's on vacation. There are times when filling in for him makes me feel so much stress it's not funny. Today is another day like that. My back is sore and hurts like heck. Some of that was from work and some of that is from sitting for an hour on a very hard bench. That was at our Pack Meeting. We had a pretty good one tonight. Our Pack is putting on a Veteran's Day Parade at school. Our guys made gifts for the veterans who are going to walk in our Parade this year. I think it's a great idea. The lady behind this parade is a really nice lady who has a big heart.

The meeting was over at 8:10...Pack Leadership is supposed to clean up and get everyone out of the cafeteria (we have our meetings at the school) and get ourselves out of the building. I was *going* to attend class tonight, but...it wasn't possible as I would have spent 10 minutes driving to class and getting to spend about 10 minutes in class. I am a bit bummed by that but I'll make up for it on Thursday. I have immense amounts of work to do to get ready for class on Thursday. I know I'm weak and need to get into shape.

I still have to cement a workout plan and stick to it. I'm not walking as much as I'd like to. I haven't really walked since last week. I walked around on Saturday but not since. I am going to have to get *someone* to nag me to get my butt up and walking!! I AM getting away from my desk at work...that's a good thing for me. I now need to push it one step further and both drink more water and also work out more. Even if I don't get to test for my Ee Dan next year (and I'm thinking that unless I'm seriously improved over the next few months), I won't be testing.

One of the things I *have* to do is to lose weight. I saw my doctor last week and he asked me "Are you still doing your martial arts?" when he looked at my chart. I've gained 17 pounds back since March!! MARCH!! That's 7 months!!
I don't have any excuses. I have to knuckle down and exercise. I like being lazy. I also like the feeling of power I have when I see myself in smaller clothes. I am frustrated by having to buy large sizes when this time last year I was fitting into smaller sizes. Why am I letting myself get out of control? I'm not controlling myself the way I should. I need to exercise. I need to take charge of who I am. I accept myself, but I don't. Then I find myself full of self loathing and talk negatively about how I'm in such bad shape. I am NOT going ot let it be a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't want Mr. M's pride in me because I"m a "success story" (fat person earns black belt) to stick. I want to be proud of me because I'm good. I want to get my strength and stamina up so that when my time comes, I'll be able to go out and earn my Ee Dan and be good.

My daughter...

My daughter had try-outs for All City Band on Thursday. She found out Friday that she made 7th chair. She plays flute and 7th chair is nothing to sneeze at. She made ALL CITY!!!!!

I was on my way out to Camp Wisdom and called home to check with her. She gave me the news as I was sitting in a parking lot in Cedar Hill (Not near where I was supposed to be!!), trying to figure out where I was going!

Yay Mandy!!!

Pictures

Here are a couple of pictures from Camp Wisdom...


Our first view of the Fort, on our arrival at Camp Wisdom. We were at check-in.


The Blacksmith


The Castle, stop #1 on the Haunted Hike.


The "Executioner" at the Castle.


Aidan and I at the "Pumpkin Chunkin". We're trying to launch our pumpkin, which wanted to hit the ground. We had a "roller".

Camping

We went to Camp Wisdom this weekend. It was really fun. Aidan and I had a blast. I think I enjoyed myself more than he did, but we both enjoyed ourselves.
Our favorite things were the Haunted Hike and the Pumpkin Chunkin'.

We went from breakfast to camp, then off to The Foundry (a blacksmith demonstration), then off to the Haunted Hike. We went to the Castle, then off to the Cave (no pictures were taken of the cave, sorry!), then on to the Pirate ships. The kids LOVED the Pirate ships. It was a bit like an organized water balloon fight. Lots of fun! There were a couple of casualties...two of our kids got hit by the balloon. The ships were manned by Boy Scouts who were volunteering at this camp. They inadvertantly hit a couple of the Cubs with the 'balls'. Neither boy was seriously injured...I think it stung quite a bit. I don't think they'd get back into the middle of a water battle again any time soon!

After the Pirate ships, we went back to the Mess Hall for lunch, then off to Pumpkin Decorating. That didn't last very long--about 45 minutes, tops. The boys were anxious to get out to the Pumpkin Chunkin', so we ran over there and had a blast shooting off our pumpkins. All the boys liked that!

Archery, BB shooting, then an hour before dinner. Then we went back, the kids changed and off to the Trick or Treat to the Campfire. A bit tiring, as we parents had to carry our folding chairs to the campfire as well. The kids got to trick or treat, we carried the packs. LOL! At the campfire, they did skits, sang songs and talked to us. I was in the back of the crowd, so I couldn't hear much. I did hear the skit of "Falling Rock". It'll lose MUCH in translation, so I can't tell you about that. You had to be there to see and hear it.

Part of the fun of last night was that they did the trick or treat after dark, so we had glow sticks to use for light sources. That was pretty neat. I was glad of having a place to sit and glad that I didn't have to use my own chair, even though I hauled it to the campfire.

When we got to our campsite, someone there had started yet another fire (we had one Friday night too), so we joined that crowd for a few minutes. Someone gave Aidan another marshmallow, so he 'roasted' it and gave it to me. I got to have a warm marshmallow as a midnight snack. YAY!

This morning we packed up and were ready to go by 8:00. Breakfast was at 7:30 at the mess hall. Aidan and I got there late, just as they were shutting it down. We managed to eat, but barely. After that was the "Scout's Own" service, which was pretty neat. When that was over, we climbed into our car and drove off.

We spent most of the day yesterday, on our feet. There was a LOT of walking involved. Everything we did involved walking from point A to point B. By the end of the day, it felt like my feet were going to fall off. I took my "walking shoes", which are in dire need of replacement. I am tonight regretting that decision. I have blisters on both of my feet, which was unusual. I am not complaining, mind you. I did it because it got me a chance to go camping, something I haven't done in nearly 20 years. I want to do it again, but further away from the city, more out in the countryside.

Good luck Ms. M!

Tomorrow is Ms. M's next belt test. I wanted to wish her GOOD LUCK tomorrow. I am sorry I won't be there to see it, but I do expect that you will rock your test 100%!

More steps

So, in my determination to escape my desk at work, I managed to jump out and went super fast on my first walk in a year! I am paying for it today. I told my friend SS that I felt the outside of my thighs, which was really odd. I don't recall feeling like that before. I'm also feeling the pain in my shins (that I HAVE felt before)! I also don't recall being able to walk a mile and change in less than an hour!! I'm going to repeat the effort tomorrow at lunch...unless of course, I manage to sneak out of the office at lunch and not plan on returning.

I have to remember to start stretching before I go out and walk. Tomorrow's walk will be most interesting as it's supposed to be ONLY 68 degrees for a high. I know I can do it though...I am setting my mind to it. I went to the doctor's office today and found out that I have gained 17 pounds since the day of my last belt test. This does NOT make me a happy camper. I hate that I have lost my control. I am watching myself and trying to manage it the best of my ability. I know that I can use the skills I've learned at Weight Watchers again. I just have to take that step.

Before I head for bed tonight, I'll get my things together and be ready for my walk tomorrow.

What to do about stress...

I have been stressed out at work so much that I am daily experiencing headaches. I finally went down to HR and talked to her about it. She told me to get myself out of the office at my breaks and lunch time, so I actually listened. Yesterday, I made sure I didn't stay at my desk during breaks and left the building with a friend for lunch.
Today, I had an early lunch, so I went out for a walk. I used to walk with DB before he got his new job (this was last year...haven't walked for about a year now!). We would walk about 1.9 miles, I want to say. That was round trip. We did that for a few months, then got adventurous and changed our route up a bit. I think our total distance was about 3 miles. I could be mistaken. (It's been so long ago, I have fuzzy memories.)
Today I went out and walked our original route. It took me 35 minutes to walk 1.9 miles from start to finish. I feel pretty great about that! I was able to get out, get back in, change clothes AND nuke my lunch by the end of my hour! I feel good about that! I am not walking tomorrow unless I do it after I get home, but I plan on walking on Thursday again. If I play my cards right, I should be able to repeat the 35 minute walk on Thursday. If I walk every other day, I should start building up my endurance and cut my time down. Master G said that I should strive for a lower number on the mile, so it stands to reason that I could walk a mile in 15 minutes or less. If I was REALLY smart, I'd actually start RUNNING, but...there's a lot of sidewalk to run on. Need to make sure the ol' legs are in better shape first so I don't mangle my knees with a run.

What we wish for

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch, looking out the window and mentioned to the hubby that I'd love to see a cardinal sitting in the live oak outside. He said, "It won't happen. They're migratory and they've left by now." I was okay with that, but this morning, as I'm sitting here on the couch, enjoying another sunrise and listening to the birds sing and the miscellaneous traffic noises, I happened to look out the window and saw a cardinal sitting on the railing of my patio. Of course, I didn't have my camera out, but he was sitting there, eating a seed or something. He looked at the building, and then casually flew into the tree. I was trying not to make a lot of noise, but he was something else to see! I haven't ever gotten my wishes fulfilled quite like that!!

Next weekend I'm going camping with my son for Cub Scouts. It's all set. All I have to do now is just get our stuff together and we'll be gone. Putting together a tent for the first time in a LONG time will be fun, but we'll be able to do it. I just have to hunt down his sleeping bag and mine. I had them when we went to the Lexington this past summer. I think I know where his is. Mine should be in a closet.

I'm actually getting excited. I think this will be a fun trip. We will get to do all sorts of cool things. There's a "Pumpkin chunk" at this one...it's a pumpkin catapult. I think I'm more excited than my son is because we're going there. Just call me a big ol' kid!!

Sunrise

I love early morning. I love seeing the sun start to peek up over the horizon. I'm lucky enough to have an apartment that faces due East. I can get up and sit in the living room with the blinds open and see the first flickers of light as it starts to fill in the window. As the sun climbs higher in the sky, the first flickers turn to streams of gold and red. It's a beautiful sight. It's calming and energizing at the same time.

The weather forecast on my taskbar says "Mostly sunny and delightful" for tomorrow's weather. If we are FINALLY on the downside of the upper 80s and 90s, I will be a very happy person!

I'm the first one up this morning, so I'm hoarding the sunrise. I'm not sharing it with anyone except the cat. I needed the beauty this morning. I spent all day yesterday being stressed by work. I don't need that stress now, so I'm relaxing and trying to put it out of my head. I'm going to have to learn to control my stress and anger better though. I don't like coming home from work so stressed out that all I do is snap and snarl at my kids. I also don't like waking up in the middle of the night, not being able to sleep from the pain of tense muscles.
I think that starting today, I'm going to practice some breathing techniques and see how that works for me.

For now, I'm listening to the birds chirping in the trees and enjoying the feel of the morning breeze through the open window. I have the sun to light up my living room. I can hear people talking at Firestone next door, but even that doesn't bother me. I have my own tiny piece of paradise right here, right now. It is morning, I have had the sunrise to remind me that I'm just a small part of the bigger picture.

Sloppy kicks are not acceptable

Class last night was different. It was a major eye opener to me.

We did warm ups that consisted of hand and foot techniques. We did reverse punches for hands. 30 total...10 for technique, 10 for speed, 10 for power. 30 on each side for a total of 60. I felt it last night in my shoulders because I've been sloppy in my training and have not trained well in my opinion. I was not keeping my elbow tucked down by my side for the punches and kept rolling my shoulder up. Master G had to correct me a number of times. He was watching all of us and making comments about improving our techniques.

We also did kicks for warm up. Again, here's me noticing how sloppy I am in my technique. I feel like I'm just learning all over again. It feels very much like I'm starting over. I read on a blog (Ikigaiway) that black belt is when you start to learn. This is really true for me. It hurt me to not spend a lot of time practicing except for black belt prep classes. Realistically, I think in the three months between leaving USMA and joining BTK as a full time student, I kicked my own butt. I didn't practice in between. It is showing too.
During the kicking drill, Master G reminded me that I needed to turn my hip over when I do side kicks. Amazingly enough, I found that I had more power when I did the kicks correctly. I could hit the target more than I was when I didn't turn my hips over. I know I've heard "turn your hips over" many times. I just didn't put it into practical application. I have to now or else I will NOT move ahead. If I plan on earning my Ee Dan in April (not that I'm seeing it very likely, realistically), I have to kick better, punch better and perform forms MUCH better. I need to learn Bunkai so that I can explain the WHYS of my forms.

Learning about class

Tuesday night I got a wake up call and a reminder that I am not exempt from learning. Master M asked me if I knew the commands to open class. Do I know them?

I know Jun Be, Cha Ryut (these are the ready stance and "attention" stances). I know Ku Gi Ba Rae (saluting the flags) and Ba Ro (return to attention stance). I did NOT know Ku Gi Tora (turn to the flags), nor Kwan Jang Nim Tora (face Grandmaster's picture). Kwan Jang Nim Kyung Yet is bow to Grandmaster. Tora is turn. You say "Kyung Yet" to instruct everyone to bow to the instructors. Ahn Jo is sit (I knew that one!!). Muk Nyum is a moment of silence at the beginning of class. I had heard that terminology before but didn't know it was used in classes.

I am going to have to work extensively with a couple of my co-students and see if they can beat the Korean into me. I need to make sure I have the commands for starting class in case (please no!!) I'm the most senior student in class!! EEP!!

Let it be known...

I am officially IN TRAINING for my Ee Dan! I started out by walking tonight. It wasn't a really long walk in terms of distance, but it was a start. I walked for about an hour, all told. I have to make sure that I'm up to par with the physical fitness, so I started that today. Tomorrow morning, I will do my push ups. I will start out with ten. I know it's a low number, but I do "girlie" push ups and I need to make sure that 1. I have my arms at 90 degrees and 2. I don't let my belly sag. I will make sure I do the push ups properly. I am also going to make sure I start practicing basic forms again. I have to do them all or I will lose them. (I actually learned something, I believe!)

We went to the BTK family picnic today. It was a lot of fun! I enjoyed it immensely. We had a bit of a time finding the park, but when we finally got there, we were welcomed by Ms. H. I gravitated to Ms. S, Ms. Mad and Master Mac, plus Master G and Mr. and Mrs. L. I know them better than anyone as they're in my class. That was really a nice thing. I enjoy being able to talk to people I know. I like that I am welcomed to this group. It's a good thing. I haven't felt like an outsider ever. Any weird "outsider" feelings I have had were of my own making and I've gotten the equivalent of a swift kick to the butt.

Saturday

Today was a relatively quiet day. I spent the day doing laundry and we cleaned up our patio. I'll go out tomorrow and have a cup of coffee on the porch.
I've been working on the dining table--it's almost to the point where I can put the Halloween tablecloth on it. That'll be the highlight of the week. The kids will be able to sit down and do their home work at the table again.

We were 'invaded' by one of Aidan's friends today. Aidan called him up and invited him over. They spent the afternoon playing Sonic on the Wii. It was kind of funny to listen to them. They were both reasonably well behaved. I'm impressed. Usually I see this boy running around, playing with the other boys at Kids' Club. Today, he was very quiet. He and Aidan spent their time playing with his "Indiana Jones" hat and whip. I have to admit that young C looks really good in his Indy outfit. I wonder if he's wearing that for Halloween?

Tomorrow we have the BTK family picnic. I've signed up the entire family to go. I just have to make *something* to take. I think we'll take a salad of some sort. I'm not sure yet. It all depends on my mood when I get up in the morning. I'll have to get up early, have my coffee and HOPE that everyone stays in bed until late. That would be nice for me. I need some quiet time. I've got two movies I need to watch--The Kite Runner and Reservation Road. I've read one book (RR) but not the other (TKR). It'll be interesting to read.

Ahhh, apartment life is wonderful (NOT!!). One of the neighbors is outside yelling. Gotta love it. I wish we had a house...or something...

Feeling pretty good

Apparently I benefit from talking to people. I'm not talking about my co-workers, even though I talk to them sometimes. I don't actually TALK to them.
I'm referring to my talk with Master G the other night. I feel like I can take a lot out of that conversation. He mentioned that I wasn't in a race with anyone. I mentioned that I was in a race with myself and he politely reminded me that I am NOT in a race with *anyone*. It's all a part of retraining myself not to think negatively. I will work on that.

I'm presently at work, being annoyed by one person. He knows he annoys me too. I am sure he does it on purpose. It's worse today because we're down by one person again. That was unexpected, but hey, it happens. I won't let myself get all stressed out with no-one to choke because I need to overcome that. It is counter productive to me. The whole stress thing is annoying in that I let it become me. It takes over my entire life. That's not going to happen any more if I can help it.

I'm really looking forward to class tonight. I'm not sure if we're sparring or what, but I am sure that I'm going to learn a lot again. It's not a drag going to class. My biggest issue is that I get hyper before class. I have a horrible tendency to get so worked up that I get the shakes. Tuesday was a good example. Master G caught it too. He may not have seen me shaking, but he definitely saw me telegraphing that I was nervous. I should not be. They are NOT going to take my belt away and leave me in the dust, starting over. I earned that belt. Now I have to refine it. Makes sense to me.

I think I'm going to just plan to start doing little things, like push ups at home. I also have the stretching book by...well, hell, I don't remember off the top of my head. It's called Stretching for Martial Arts. I rather like it, although I find that several of the stretches require that you be in a LOT of good shape. (round is a shape, right? LOL!!) Some of the stretches aren't as good as I'd like. I prefer what Mr. L had us do the other night.

Well

I learned a LOT last night at class. Yes, I actually went to class!!!
We did a warm up and I'm happy to report that the brace I had Tony buy for me worked to keep my ankle stable enough to do jumping jacks. I don't know how many we actually did, but we each counted two..."Hana, dul..." I actually think that counting in Korean is a better idea than counting in English. I don't know about other people, but I know that for me, counting in Korean makes me NOT think about the actual jumping jack, but instead, concentrate on getting a workout. It works too.

We did a number of stretches and then Master G got people separated out to work on forms. He took some of us into his group and worked with us on Nahainchi Cho Dan and Bassai. He had us run through the forms on our own counts, and also on his counts. One of the things he reminded all of us about was that we need to use our hips. Then he separated us to work on Nahainchi Cho Dan while he worked with another studen on her form. We worked on our material for about 30 minutes, then we broke off to the other room.

When we got into the other room, he gave me a Ho Sin Sul book and another copy of the One Steps book. (the house has mysteriously 'eaten' my other one.)
He told me to familiarize myself with it, so that's what I shall do.
Then he worked with me on Nahainchi Cho Dan. He explained *much* that I don't recall learning. He taught me the bunkai (spelling?) of the hform and explained quite a bit. Each form has a practical application. It's not all about looking pretty, but it's about defense. Each movement has a specific defensive meaning. For example, much of Nahainchi Cho Dan was constructed as if you were on a horse or up against a wall, depending on how you look at it.
I found the class very informative last night. I can now explain why I do specific things during class, such as a ridge hand, etc. It's a defensive move.

Another thing he explained to me was how many opponents you could face during Keecho Hyung Il Bu...both the maximum and minimum number of opponents. The maximum number is 8 (He and I did the form and he explained it to me as we did it--he counted). The minimum is 1.

That class was highly informative. I'm glad I went. I feel like this will help me.
I talked to Master G a lot last night. I feel confident that I'll actually be able to get my butt off the ground and get that Ee Dan. I have a lot of work to do to get myself into shape, but...if I get myself into some sort of shape that is good, I will get myself ready for the next testing cycle (next Spring).

YES!!!

Went to class tonight. I'll post some tomorrow when I get to work. I am tired and as I JUST got home, I need to go offline. I'll post more tomorrow when I get a chance to think. It was an awesome class!!

Form reviews

It's official. If I don't get my butt into class tomorrow, I shall be hunted down with small, yappy dogs and tortured. (This is coming from a friend. She specifically said that she's got a dog that jumps really high, so I'd best get there!!!)

I'm going to work on material that I need to practice tonight. I need to practice some kicks (Hook kick comes to mind). I need to practice Bassai and Nahainchi Cho Dan. I THINK I know NCD, but am not 100% on the fine tuning. I have to keep practicing. I will do the basic forms tonight and make sure I know them. I know Keecho Hyung Il Bu, Ee Bu and Sam Bu. I also know Pyung Ahn Cho Dan, Ee Dan, Sam Dan (well, yeah, I BETTER!), Sa Dan and Oh Dan (again, I BETTER!). I feel confident that I can do Sam Dan. LOL!! I think Sa Dan I'd need to practice a little more...wait..."splat!" to the left, "splat!" to the right...ummm, gotta think on that one. It's the interesting form where you're doing a "grab the collar, twist, kick, punch, punch" type of move...

Going with the flow

Not working on the weekend is my idea of wonderful. I haven't done more than go to Circuit City (got mugged by no fewer than 6 people, so I didn't stay long!), the grocery store and then back home. I know I said I was going to go to karate, but...my right Achilles tendon is not feeling 100%, so I took the lazy way out and stayed home. I'm sure I won't be chastized for it. I have to take care of this or I'm not going anywhere and I need that foot!! LOL! Imagine that! It is a wake up call to lose weight though. I have found that in the past 9 months, I've gained back 12 pounds. Not quite what I wanted to look at this year. I think a lot of it has to do with my decreased activity level. I haven't been nearly as active as I was this time last year. Last year at this time, I was coming off a heavy workout schedule...I'd been in training since mid-June for my black belt test. The last time I worked out really hard was January-March. I did my second black belt test on the first Friday in March. After that, things rapidly changed and I didn't do much to push the fitness/exercise issue.. I went with the flow.
We were told that we were going to be required to run a mile, to do a serious fitness test in order to pass our next black belt test, but no training was done for the actual running or the fitness. That was left to us. I'm not sure about other people, but I'm lazy. LAZY. I don't do more than I have to do. That's why I'm seeing my weight creep back up. That's why I've got to get on the ball and start pushing myself. I need to see success. I love the feeling of empowerment I get when I see success.

I won't be running anytime soon...my ankle feels, well, MUSHY is a good way to describe it. The other ankle doesn't feel the same. If it keeps hurting, I'll go find my doctor and see what he thinks. For tonight, I'll take an anti-inflammatory and do some stretching. It'll help. If it's not feeling too squishy or sore tomorrow, I'm going for a walk.

AMAZING!

It's amazing! I'm calmer today. I haven't let the job stress me out today!
I think I'll go home and go outside for a walk when I get home. The kids will like that! We might even just go to one of the local parks for a while. I think that will be great! They'll get a chance to get some fresh air and I'll get to tire them out. Heh heh!

Plans for the weekend include cleaning the apartment, plus I have a workout plan in mind for tomorrow. I haven't checked the BTK calendar to see if there's an Open training class tomorrow. If there is, I'm totally there. (checking...) Yep, the calendar says there's an OPEN class tomorrow, so I'm going to go in and work on Bassai and some other things. I'm also going to pin Ms. Stokes and Ms. Mad down and see if either of them would be willing to give me some ideas on how to get my fitness levels up...I know the obvious--work out!!

Setting Goals...

I am working late tonight. With any luck, everyone will clear out by 6:00 so that I have a few minutes to run over my material in my cube. I like doing my forms at work when nobody's around. It gives me a chance to make mistakes and pretend that they're on purpose. Not that *I* make mistakes. ha! Me of the flubbed Pyung Ahn Oh Dan!!

I set myself a couple of goals for the next month or so. I'm going to start practicing my forms one through whatever I decide I need to work on. I also need to work on the jumping kicks (cha gi). I like the fact that there are jumping kicks that I can do. I may not kick as high as I'd like, but I'm at least trying to clear some ground, so that will help. I particularly like the jumping hook kick (no Korean on this one, sorry!). It's a fun kick. Ms. S had to remind me to tighten up my leg on this one and try to kick my own rear. Okay! I feel like I need a refresher in kicking one oh one, but I'll be giving myself that as I practice more.

Another kick I know I'm weak on is the back kick. DB has always reminded me to "LOOK at where you're kicking" and I've heard it from Master G as well. Gotta LOOK or you'll be way off base! I'm going to have to dig out my pads and start getting Tony to go outside and hold them for me. I could always get Aidan involved in that too, to help him keep sharp.

I need to set some fitness goals and start working toward those as well. I have read the requirements for passing the belt test (no matter WHOSE belt test it is!). For my age/weight, I should be able to run a mile in ten minutes. I don't know if he'll insist on straight running, but I'm betting anything that as long as I clear it in the ten minute time frame, I won't fail. I have to start conditioning myself, so that means walking first. I wish I lived closer to my friend, S. I'd love to have her coach me again. I worked with her a couple of years ago and managed to do a 5 k in an hour or so. I don't remember the exact time. I know that we both ran and walked it. She was a sweetie and really pushed me when I needed that push. I'll have to call her and ask her if she'll push me again.

I guess I can put my fitness goals over at the other blog (Martial Arts Musings) and update that as I make my goals. Might be worth a shot. That way I have both of them updated. I may mirror this blog at that one.

Ideas to relieve stress

I decided that I was going to try a few different stress relievers today. I have a bottle of lotion from Bath and Body Works. It's called "Tranquil Mist Stress Relief Body Lotion". It smells absolutely heavenly and it was open quite a bit today! I'm also listened to music. I don't care what other people think, I HAVE to have that distraction! I like to listen to Jazz...currently, I'm listened to a CD called "Smooth Jazz Party Grooves". It's soothing to me. I have to have music or I'm finding that I'm a basket case. (case in point--last night!!)

I also made sure I got up and moved around today. I am not going to sit at my desk without moving for 8 hours. I got up, walked around the room, then went back to my cube. It was a lot better. I won't say that I'm stress free, but I'm less tense tonight than I was last night. I was able to NOT grumble at my husband for the entire drive home!!

I may start trying to do some other stress relieving tactics. Of course, breathing is number one. Number two is to try to keep myself from letting the calls/co-workers affect me. I made sure I kept my music playing all day and did my best to try to disconnect from listening to the people around me. It's hard when the phone rings next door and the network guy is immediately over in my cube, asking me how to do something. It's frustrating to do my job PLUS to tell him how to troubleshoot a machine. I can't really say anything about it to my manager because I have been ordered to help him. I normally don't mind but...it's frustrating because he has been trained but he doesn't troubleshoot. Then I hear, "Hold on while I transfer you to another department" because he can't understand the customer or doesn't know what to ask to troubleshoot. I understand, but it's hard for me to be as understanding as I need to be because I feel very much like I'm doing the work of two people--my own and "network's" too because he doesn't have the experience. I know I have an unfair advantage. I've only been there 19 years. I know I need to be understanding, but it's frustrating to answer a call, only to have someone immediately jump into my cube and start talking to me. That's something else to work on, my understanding.

Tomorrow I have to work 9:30 to 6:30. HOPEFULLY everyone will show up for work so I don't have to sign on early.

Stress is not good for you

Stress is definitely not good for the body. I'm sitting here, thinking about class and wondering if I'm going tonight. My back aches from the base of my neck to just below my shoulder blades. There has been so much stress up at work that it's driving me nuts. I'm not sure how much more stress I can take. Work has been nuts and has made me so angry, I have been on the verge of tears.

In one way, going to class would have been good for me, but then again, not going is possibly better because I'm feeling sore and ill. I'm not even going to my new leader training meeting for Scouts tonight because all I want to do is hole up in the house and not do anything. I just want to sit and be very quiet. I don't want to do anything.

Part of my problem is that I am too serious about my job. I like what I do, for the most part. I like helping people. I find a minor challenge in listening to a problem, then determining the best route to repairing it. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong. Anyway...beyond that, it's frustrating to know that others in my department don't look at the job in the same light that I do. I'm the only woman in the department now. This isn't a huge department anyway--there are only 6 of us. One person is supposed to man the 'network' line full time. The rest of us are supposed to man the 'main' line and three of us cover the 'network' line. It gets very frustrating to hear a couple of the guys getting together in someone's cubicle and talking while calls are holding. It's EXTREMELY frustrating to see calls holding and know that you can't knock the calls out because as soon as you answer one call, three more pop in. When the calls start holding for as long as they did today, people get irritated and frustrated on both ends of the phone.

Today, we had a lot of calls holding. I went to lunch early today as I had to get my daughter's flute to her for her fourth period class. I was back within an hour. After I got back, someone else signed off and was gone until well after 4:00. During that time, it just kept going on and on...like we couldn't get any of the calls under control. It didn't get better until just around 4:30, which is highly unusual for us. Normally our peak hours are 10-2 and then another small peak from 3-4. This wasn't the case today.. I sure hope the rest of the week isn't like this because I will be a basket case. I've already missed karate today because I was so stressed. I don't want to miss class on Thursday. I'm already unhappy that I missed tonight. I have to get myself back on track to my Ee Dan!

So...hot...

Our air conditioning unit would appear to have bitten the dust. It's not too horribly hot, but not cool enough to go without, soooo...we're going to have to make do with it. I'm not sure if the compressor has died or what!! It's pushing uncomfortable in the apartment and wreaks havoc on our electric bill. SHEESH!
I'm going to management tomorrow to report it. I will NOT live without an air conditioner that works!! This will be the third time it has stopped operating. Even worse, it'll be the second or third time it's had a dead compressor.

I worked today from 8-4:30. We learned about color copiers today. I don't know that I've absorbed it all yet, but...I'm sure that I'll learn more as we go along. It's a new technology for my company. I think I'll be having nightmares or questions about "subtractive color" and "additive color" for a while to come now. Plus, having to learn the codes RGB=red, green and blue while YMCK= Yellow, Magenta, Cyan, Black. One of the guys who was training us started singing to the tune of "YMCA" and I nearly laughed myself silly. We told him that if he started doing the arm movements to go with it, we were running away.

It has been a very long day. I hope tomorrow will be quiet (cool!) and uneventful. I have a thousand things to do at home and not enough weekend left to do them. LOL!

Starting over...

It's pretty interesting to re-think the way my forms are performed. It's fun to see how another school instructs and guides you through the forms. It's great to have someone take you under their wing and pretty much guide you through what you need to do because you haven't got the Korean. I am feeling confident that I'm going to make Ee Dan because I have fabulous support at BTK. I had fabulous support with DB and ST at USMA, but when things started changing and he switched the curriculum, I felt lost. Up until I joined BTK, I hadn't been seriously practicing. Anything. Now I'm back to working on jumps, especially when I'm wearing slacks at work and I'm the last one at work. Then I have a lot of room and can show off for myself. Nobody will see me look silly. Even if they do, there's one guy there who takes Jiujitsu and will understand my need to practice. He has a tendency to try to knock me down. He always goes after my knees when we spar. I'm learning to watch him for his signals. I think that'll help me with my sparring too.

Isn't it funny that a martial artist is awfully proud of his or her bruises? I have a huge bruise on my left shin that I took in sparring over a week ago. I also have a bruise on the underside of my left arm, courtesy of the young man I spar with at work. He pinched me in an attempt to take me down. The pinch was unintentional, but man! It hurt and is ugly now!! The bruise on my leg is now a pretty purple color. LOL!! I can tell you where each of my bruises is from and who gave it to me. That's pretty sad, isn't it???

Tuesday night, I have a "New Leaders" meeting for Cub Scouts at Starbucks. It's at 6:30, so I'm going to go down there *in uniform*, stay for 30 minutes or so, and then I'll head down the road to BTK and will attend class. I have my sparring gear in the car, my notebook will migrate there this weekend and I'll be set. I don't think anyone at the meeting will freak out TOO much for me attending in a dobahk. If they don't like it, I'll leave earlier and go play with the kids at BTK!
I do believe that I'd be allowed to help out if I wanted to, but until I feel more comfortable in my skin (and that means I need to stop the negative self talking I'm hearing in my head again!), I won't feel like I can adequately demonstrate something. Instead, thank you, I'll be a student. I won't be JUST a student. I will also be teaching myself how to be a better person.

I am proud of this

Preparing to break a board. The person in front of the board is me. I think that was my ahp chagi.




Yup chagi. I broke that on the second or third try, I think, but I broke it!! I think I even have the boards somewhere in the apartment too! LOL!

Fun

This picture was taken at my belt test last year. I've been reminiscing about my test and thinking about how hard I thought it was when I participated in it. I was in a lot better shape than I am now, but...I'll get it there (again). I'm going to class next Tuesday after the Cub Scout Leader meeting I have to attend at 6:30. I've already decided that I'm attending THAT meeting in my dobahk. If they don't like it, well, I'm sorry, but...I owe it to myself to attend class on Tuesday. I've already missed both days this week AND last Thursday. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it again!!

Success!!

I successfully practiced Pyung Ahn Oh Dan again this morning! I'm getting better, especially putting in the minor "tweaks" that make it unique to BTK. I like it. I have to learn the reasons behind it and need to be able to explain it should Master G ask me WHY I'm doing something. For instance, with the two fist low, you're blocking an ap chagi (that's a front kick), but then you chamber back and block a potential spear to the head with a high 'X' block (Ssang Soo Sang Dan Mahk Kee). At USMA, we would then do a kind of a twist at the wrist, then do a knife hand with the left hand and punch with the right. At BTK, you pull back with the left hand, then do a "3 Stooges" poke to the eyes (Ee Chi Kwan Soo) with the left, then punch with the right. Then it's a turning punch, 3-point check (yes, DB, I listened!!), right hammer-fist, reach out with the left hand to grab someone by the neck, then an outside/inside kick (Phakeso Ahn Uro Cha Ki), bringing the ahp kup (ball of the foot) to your hand. Then you jump, landing in a kind of a crouch, with a two fist low block. (Note: this is not the entire form, nor is it as long as it would appear when it's written out. This is an abbreviated part of the form.)

That was part of what kept messing me up--trying to remember WHERE that went. I spent time texting DB and trying what he was replying with and it finally went on that "hey! I CAN do this!!" Yes, there is a bit that I need to remember, but I'm getting there.

I will miss class this week...I have a Scout meeting on Tuesday and Thursday, Amanda's got a "Tailgate Concert" that she is required to attend for school. If I go, I can actually see her perform! I have yet to see more than last year's Christmas concert at the Freshman Center! I want to go see this!

A Poem

Last night, at the Scout "New Leader Essentials" training, we learned about being effective leaders and volunteers in the Scouting community. Over the course of the evening, we built a bridge to symbolize the fact that we are leaders and how we provide a foundation for future leaders.

This poem was read at the end of the meeting and if you think about it, it can be translated into a Martial Arts point of view as well.

THE BRIDGE BUILDER

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came at the evening cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast and deep and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim-
That sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when he reached the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim near,
"You are wasting strength in building here.
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way.
You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide,
Why build you the bridge at the eventide?"

The builder lifted his old gray head.
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way.
This chasm that has been naught to me
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him."

-WILL ALLEN DROMGOOLE

Friday

I've been feeling better about myself since I went to class on Tuesday. I realize that punishing myself because I am "not as good as everyone else" just is NOT going to make me a better martial artist. Neither is sitting here, moping about how I'm not as good as NB and how his only life is karate 7 days a week. I obviously cannot do that, but what I CAN do is work on my fitness 7 days a week. I can get my butt off the couch and go walking on the days when I'm home and not out at Scouts. I just ordered a Yoga DVD from Prevention and I'm going to use it too. I can do this.

I've been reading on Martial Talk how some people have used the Wii Fit to develop their balance. I'm not sure which board it was on, but I know I saw it. It's worth thinking about. So far, I've just been thinking. I don't usually play with the Wii. If I get the Wii Fit, I may use it more than the kids do. Of course, they may lose the ability to lock themselves in my room to play.

On the Black Tiger web page, I found this quote:

“The light is reached not by turning back from the darkness, but by going through it.”

Unknown

I like it.

More confidence, please!

I went to class Tuesday night. It's the first time in a while that I've been. I promised myself (and a couple of other people) that as soon as I nailed Pyung Ahn Oh Dan, I was going to go to class. I am very glad that I did. I was able to do the form and didn't feel like a total moron. Of course, I was just reminded to drop the negative self talk, so I'll have to work on that.

Class was great fun. We worked on techniques. Master G had us do jumping kicks and instructed us on the proper way to land so that we wouldn't damage our bodies. He explained that an improperly landed kick can and will do damage.
When we moved into the bigger room (we work in two rooms usually), we practiced our forms and then moved on into sparring. I normally do not like sparring. Never really have. I will work on that because it IS part of my training and it will be important.

I worked with Ms. S and Mr. L on the sparring. It was fun to work with someone different than ST or DB. In the first batch of sparring, it was a back and forth thing--she attacked, I defended, I attacked, she defended. In the second round, Mr. L attacked first and I defended for a few minutes. Then he switched it and I attacked while he defended. I spent entirely too much time thinking but I assume that will change over time. On the first round of sparring, Ms. S reminded me to hit twice--once as a diversion, once as the actual attack. If I, for example, throw a front snap kick, then I need to follow up with some sort of an attack to keep my opponent off guard. This will make it hard for them to recover and attack ME. Makes plenty of sense to me. I just have to remember not to go in blindly.

I will need to find my other hand before I attend another class. I'm going to assume that sparring is going to be a regular thing and I want to make sure I'm able to fight. I went in with both my feet and my left hand. My right hand was missing. I still haven't located it! I'm sure it's hiding in my closet somewhere.

Note: for anyone reading this who is NOT a martial arts practitioner, the 'hands' I'm referring to are my pads. You need them so that you don't get damaged when you're sparring with someone.

Today I spent two hours at the orthodontist's office with Amanda. She got her bottom braces put on today. I still don't know why it took so long to get us in there to look at her, but...it's finally done! She missed third and fourth periods. I have to email her teacher to find out what the homework was for Math. Band, I'm sure she'll make up. I'll have to email both teachers to follow up.


I'm exhausted today too...I didn't sleep very well last night. I don't know if it was because I took a Claritin or what, but I am just wiped out. I got up at 4:00 am and haven't been back to sleep since. I may have to go take a nap in a few. I have a meeting at 7:00 tonight which I need to be awake for!!

I DID IT!!!

I did Pyung Ahn OH DAN last night!!! I did the whole thing and didn't flub up!!!!
Next up on my list is Bassai review!!

I remembered OH DAN!!!! Happy Dancing over here....

Goals are achievable

It's beginning to feel like Autumn. Since we had that all day rain yesterday, you'd think that it would be humid, but it's not. It's actually hinting at being cool. I love this weather! We have all the windows in the apartment open. It's wonderful.

I'm going to go outside in a little while and practice Pyung Ahn Cho Dan. I think I actually have it now. Ms. S refreshed my memory on the last part I was messing up. Now that I have that, I SHOULD be able to actually do the form and do it right!!! I disappointed myself for forgetting it, but if I practice and practice some more, I'll be able to pick it back up. My next step is going to be working on Bassai. Those are a couple of forms I don't want to forget. I have Keecho Hyung Il Bu, Ee Bu and Sam Bu, plus Pyung Ahn Cho Dan, Pyung Ahn Ee Dan, Sam Dan, Sa Dan, Oh Dan, then Bassai, Nahainchi Cho Dan. I know Sip Soo, but am not really supposed to know it until 4th Dan, so I'll practice it just to know it. I don't want to lose my skill. It'll be adjusted to work in the BTK specs anyway.

Good news on the weight front---I have lost 2.5 pounds in 2 weeks, so that's a plus for me. It means that if I keep eating right and get in exercise, I'll manage to get back to where I was at Christmas, 2007. I will do it.

Martial arts musings

I got to thinking a while back about my martial arts and how I was doing. I started taking a serious look at the way I practice (or don't) and how well I was doing in relation to other people. I will never be an NB type, where I don't have a life *except* martial arts. I don't take classes seven days a week. I can't and I won't. Well, okay, I suppose I could, but why? I'm not THAT obsessed by it.

There are two people I absolutely adore right now. Ms. Mad and Ms. S. Both of them have made me feel MUCH better about how badly I've forgotten and/or screwed up Oh Dan. Both of them pointed out that I have no business comparing myself to other people. It's a nasty habit, and one that is extremely hard to break. I can't look at the people I'm training with and say "I am not as good as he/she is". They may have different ways of shining. I will have different qualifications. It doesn't mean I'm a lousy martial artist, even though, in my head, I am thinking this. It means I came from a school where the teaching was different. It doesn't mean that I can't get back on track. I just have to choose to get on track.

Now that being said, part of getting on track is my weight. I have to move on and eat better PLUS exercise. It takes proper nutrition and activity to get to the point where I'll be working at optimum levels. I can't let silly things get me down. I have to get myself back to the point where I was last August and September. It's almost been a year since I first tested for my Cho Dan. I earned it then, and then re-certified over the next six months. I should be proud of that. I EARNED IT!!

Now I have to look ahead. I still want to get my Ee Dan. That's next on my list. I won't be getting it from Unlimited Success Martial Arts as I am no longer attending that school. I feel that I wasn't taken seriously by all people there.
My friends, DB and ST took me seriously. I felt, by the end of my time there, that Mr. M only saw me as a poster child for "Look! A fat person CAN get a black belt!" I don't feel like he took ME seriously. I'm overly sensitive to my weight, I know, but it's annoying to be led to feel like that.


Now I'm looking back at my last few months of classes. I wasn't really working to my highest potential. There were a lot of changes going on in the school. One of the biggest changes took place mid-June, when he packed up and moved the school to a different location. Then things really started going downhill for me. I didn't attend more than 2 classes at the new location. I went for one class and didn't actually participate because the instructor had a LOT of people stuffed into a tiny room. That instructor has a habit of criticizing people if they're not performing up to HIS standards (he's a 4th Dan, I think. Heck, I don't know what he is! I know I didn't like him and don't respect him, even now...)

What's really annoying to me, after all is said and done, is that I can't see HOW I earned my belt if I'm so bad. I don't THINK I'm really that horrible but at the same time, I'm not at the highest level I could be at.

We all have self doubts. As Ms. Mad told me, I have a habit of doubting myself and it's affecting my mindset. I get fixated on one thing and worry it to death. Pyung Ahn Oh Dan is a good example of this. I flopped on the form in two or possibly three classes and didn't do it correctly. Rather than trying to figure out, IN CLASS (or after!) what I did wrong, I started beating myself up over it. I have to get out of my head, think outside the box, literally, and start over. I DO know that form. I just need to practice. When in doubt, practice some more.

Ms. S has offered to work with me outside of class to help me get back on track. Since I love martial arts and feel like this is a good fit for me, I'm going to take her up on it. I need to push forward with this for me, not for anyone else. I have been very happy with it. I will continue to be happy. In the few classes I've attended at BTK, I've come away with a sense of accomplishment--it's a lot of hard work. They don't goof off, but they're not so strict that you can't smile and have fun. You just have to show up to work.

I am going to push forward and get my next belt. Again, it won't be at USMA but I WILL get that belt! I don't think I'm going to let my perception of what I feel Mr. M thinks of me stop me. I had, there for a while, felt that I wasn't good enough. That will change. I may not be the smallest person in a class, but I'm good enough to have earned my Cho Dan. I'll be good enough to push on and earn my Ee Dan. Then Sam Dan. If I start working now, I'll get back into shape enough to hopefully be invited to test for my Ee Dan next year. I have the rest of 2008 to get myself back into shape. I can do it. Ultimately, it's all up to me.

Tech support

I work in Technical Support. It's simply amazing we haven't run across THIS before:

Sweet kitty...isn't...

Chandler has, for some unknown reason, taken a disliking to Skeeter. She has been seriously pounding on him for the past few days. I'm not sure what her issue is. Skeeter's been stuck under my bed. I feel so bad for him. He's a nice cat, if a bit of a big eater. I don't know if Chan's going to stay with us. Tony wants her to go away since she's attacking HIS cat.

Chandler

As promised, here's a picture of the little girl. She's really a sweet cat. She hates being held and won't allow it---I can tell you from experience it's uncomfortable! LOL! She was sitting in the window this morning and I caught her. She's a lot less scared than she was this time last week. She's been chasing Skeeter and slapping at him. They do also lay together on the floor, so they don't absolutely hate each other. This is a good thing.

EDIT:
Chandler is now in the window, slapping at poor ol' Skeeter, who is minding his own business. She's also staring Amanda down, trying to decided if she's worth attacking. Poor Skeeter doesn't know what he's in for with this little cat. She's mean to him!!

Wednesday

Chandler is fitting in. She managed to leave my bedroom and has been exploring the rest of the house. Now we just wait to see how she does when she feels comfortable. Last night Skeeter was on the bed, just hanging out. Chandler came out, saw him, stretched up and pawed (clawlessly) at the bed. She did this twice, then I must have made some sound, so she pulled herself down, looked at me as if to say "you weren't supposed to see that!" and then walked away. She didn't go hide under the bed, but she didn't get too close to me either.
This morning she decided that she'd come out and zoom up on the back of the loveseat for a bit. Silly cat. Every time Aidan got near her, she got up and moved further away from him. He's got to learn NOT to chase her down. She'll come to him when she's ready for him to touch her!
I have pictures of her but they're on the camera and that's at home. I may download them tonight and post them.

I have to get back to practicing forms. I started trying to do Pyung Ahn Oh Dan last night and got lost after the reinforced middle block, two fist low, two open hand high transition to a chop. I KNOW this bloody form and it's killing me that I can't focus my mind around it. I'm really getting irked with myself. I need to make sure that I get the next movement, which I think...no, I KNOW...is a turning punch to a hammer fist. Oh, damn it, it IS what I thought it was! I just watched a video on You Tube. Why, why, WHY is this form kicking my butt??

Sunda Afternoon craziness

When you get bored and you have an eight year old with excess energy in the house, yoiu wind up doing silly things like this:






We decided to take a minute to go outside and take a picture of my new Dallas Cowboys shirt. #9. Tony Romo. Not that I'm a football fan or anything,. but if I HAVE to watch football (thanks to Hubby, I'm watching it this year...), I'll support the Cowboys. I personally like the Carolina Panthers better, but when you live in Jerry's Town (aka-Dallas), you have to support the Cowboys.

Aidan snagged my glasses at one point when I took them off to rub my eyes. He thought he looked better in them than I do. LOL!!

Getting in exercise

A dear friend sent me the most wonderful picture of her dog which brightened my day. It also made me think that I needed to step back from all my whining and griping about my weight. I'm the one who controls my destiny. If I'm overweight, then I need to work on that. Therefore...today I went walking. I have spent the past 3 hours on my feet. I am going to count walking around Walmart as exercise. I wasn't sitting down. Granted, I wasn't raising my heart rate much (except when I saw the ridiculous price of $500.00 for an 80Gb PS3!!), but I was walking and moving. It may not have been fast, but it was movement. I will count it. As activity goes, I'll say it was a 2, but it was there.

Came home and found Chandler is still under my bed. We opened the bathroom and she migrated from there to under the bed. She hasn't made it any further than that. I can't go chasing her because she's scared. I understand that and I will respect that. She has been traumatized by leaving the only home she's known for the past six years and is now in a much louder household. I just hope she will settle in quickly. I've got her on a "trial" but really, it's no trial. I'm keeping her. She's a little beauty. If I can get her to come out from under the bed, I'll get a picture of her and post it.

Today is the day

Today Chandler comes home. I don't know what time I'm going to get her yet. I just hope I don't scare the heck out of her!! I'm really looking forward to having another cat in the house. I need to go find one my hubby's socks and rub it on Skeeter so that Chandler will know what his scent is. I'm going to try that...get a sock, rub it on Skeeter's face, then take another sock and rub it on Chandler. Then you trade socks--Skeet gets her sock, she gets his. That way they'll know each other before they "meet". Kind of a pre-meet, if you will. I'm hoping that it'll lessen the territorial things that can go on. My biggest fear is that she'll find the carpet where Ebony "marked" and that she'll use it. Hopefully not. I don't think girl cats are as territorial as males. Plus, I've cleaned that within an inch of my life and I'm hoping we've gotten it all cleaned up. We shall see!!

Ready for a weekend??

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am totally ready for the weekend!! I'm tired, I've had a LONG week and well, I just want to start over next week! I'd call it a Mulligan, but I'm not playing golf.

I have a lot of exciting (hahaha!) plans for the "video game free weekend" I'm planning. I want to go drag my bike out of the garage and go ride it somewhere. Never mind that I look like a total DORK on it. I decided that I need to ride it to work on my thigh muscles. I have to get some strength built up in them. Plus, think of the joy I'll have in riding that thing and avoiding falling off?! LOL!!
I have to get a tire for the daughter's bike and get the little guy on his bike. The only one wihtout a bike at present is hubby and well, his birthday IS on Monday!!

I'm looking forward to a few days off. I'm going to pick up Chandler sometime in the afternoon, I think. We have to work out the logistics of her arrival. I am excited about having her here. Hopefully I'll get some more pictures of her. I've been warned that she's very shy and it takes a while for her to warm up to a person, so I'm not expecting that she'll be my lap cat right away. I just don't know what Skeeter is going to do. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it...

Allow me to introduce

Chandler!!

I'm adopting her from someone who can't keep her because their son has serious allergies.

Slightly, but not entirely, better

I'm happier today but I still have some major issues to work on. There are always issues, right? My major issues are my weight and my self esteem. Need to seriously work on that. I've got this nagging voice in my head that I've had in my head since childhood (so you know that's a LONG time!) that says "You. Are. Fat." The emphasis in my family was "you're fat, you need to lose weight." It was never, "You should be healthier. You are pretty as you are, but you need to be healthier." It was negative and that's not something I want to instill in my kids.

I am working on all of us eating better. I've been buying a lot of fruits. My son is the apple king--if you bring a bag of apples into the house, he will literally inhale the whole thing. I am not joking...the boy can eat a 3 pound bag of apples in a day or two. Then he attacks the Fuji apples I buy for ME. I don't get much chance to eat them myself unless I pack my lunch and put them all into the lunch bag. Sigh. At least HE eats healthy, right?? Of course, most of his eating is done when he's off medication (he's been diagnosed with ADHD), but still...he's eating healthy. He's the only one in the family at a healthy weight.

My daughter, bless her heart, doesn't eat properly most of the time. At school, she's rushed through a line to choose something--I'm still not sure what all they offer at school in middle school, but she's been eating a lot of pizza this week. That's not the best option. I wish they had a salad bar option available. She likes lettuce, beets, tomatoes...healthy food choices. They just don't offer those choices to the kids. Why is that?!

I'm waiting anxiously for the weekend. We'll be starting something new this weekend. It's a "no video game Saturday" rule, for one thing. I walked into my son's room to wake him up this morning and I swear, it looks like a tornado blew through. It was clean on Sunday, it really was!!

Self doubt

I had a meltdown of sorts last night. I felt horribly FAT, so I punished myself by not going to class. I'm not where I think I should be or where I want to be. My uniform isn't the best fitting right now and I HATE that! I'm not able to run a mile. For that matter, I can't run. Period! I'm actually horribly lazy. It's a shame that I am. I haven't been feeling like I'm accomplishing very much.

Part of my problem is that I'm good about mouthing to everyone about following points, getting lots of exercise, and yet, I'm all talk. I apparently cannot walk the walk. I either seriously over-eat my points (most likely!) or under-eat them (not likely!). It's no wonder I don't lose weight! Now, why can't I translate what I know into practical application???? I have been TRYING but apparently I'm not trying hard enough. OR...am I giving myself license to eat more on the days when I actually DO exercise?? I had decided that when school started, my daughter and I would get up and go out walking in the mornings before school. We haven't. I barely drag myself out of bed at 5:00 am. I think I need to work on that idea more.

I hope to get my fat feelings under control. I shouldn't let my weight control me. I should control my weight. Why do I feel like I'm not a good person if I'm heavy? I have lost my acceptance of myself, I think. If I can't accept me for who I am, how do I expect to be successful???

One unhappy Meg

Yesterday was the first day of school. Most of it was, for the teenager, getting back together with friends, as well as covering school policies in all her classes. There is tons of paperwork to fill out, which I can handle. Not a big deal.
Then she dropped a bombshell on me.

A young lady who attends our old martial arts school called her a "quitter" for dropping out of martial arts. I don't think I'd mind it as much, *except* for the fact that I've heard that wording from the owner of the old school, when he said it to me about not allowing her to leave earlier this year, before we quit. Yes, *WE QUIT*. That does not, however, give anyone the right to tell my daughter that she's a quitter for not absolutely loving it so much that she wants to do it 24/7!!!
I realize that I have seriously disappointed him and have proven to be a poor martial artist in his eyes, but I do not regret the decision to leave his school! I feel like the change was necessary to continue my growth as a martial artist. I don't have anyone stepping on my ideas, nobody telling me how poor I am. I am learning and re-learning. It's called evolution for a reason...

I seriously hope I'm not guilty of badmouthing him. I was happy there, but couldn't afford it. I also don't feel like I was learning much at the time I left. I was told to leave one night because there was a "third Dan only" class. I pointed that out to the old school's owner. He's defended the person who made me leave the school that night. He won't hear anything negative about that person. Where does that leave me then, if I can't even bring up a serious issue with him? I didn't feel like it was a good fit for me anymore.

Different battles

I spent Saturday fighting with and being beaten by--a router. A WIRELESS Router too. I got fed up with my computer not seeing it. Hub's computer could see it. Mine could not. No matter what I did, it wouldn't show. Then my silly computer kept trying to log into the broadband connection. UGH. It was an ugly battle. The router won. I called a good friend, but he was incommunicado, so I didn't win any battles there. I'm not going to be wireless. Not any time soon.

The upside of all this was, I did get my living room cleaned up some. I put the printer away as it's not being utilized right now. I "found" the love seat. The kids can now sit somewhere comfy instead of on the floor. It's nice to see that we have the extra seating. I'll be able to have people over one of these days, hopefully.
I cleaned up Aidan's clothes yesterday. We weeded out a lot of clothes that he's not going to fit into again. I've got to take them down and donate them somewhere. I haven't made it into his closet yet, but that'll happen. The closet is especially fearsome as the kid just opens the door and tosses things in without looking in an effort to "clean" his room. I don't know if it'll be "safe" to look in there or not. I know his comforter is in there. Whatever else is in there, I don't know!! Since we have a three day weekend coming up, I'll wait to attack it until then. I'm not EVEN talking about Amanda's room! That's a disaster waiting to happen for sure. I haven't looked inside HER closet in months, but I know it'll probably take a bulldozer, multiple trash bags and multitudes of patience. Much perseverence.

One of my co-workers is testing for a stripe tonight in his Jujitsu class. He trains with Carlos Muchado and enjoys it. I threatened to go watch him test. He said "Please don't". Darn! I'd have fun watching it, for sure. He's my "sparring partner" here at work. We picked on each other on Friday and beat the heck out of each other. I wound up with red marks up and down my arm, but it was worth it. I did get winded, but that was because I was laughing in addition to trying to avoid being locked into a clench. He goes after my knees a lot. I am working on trying to interpret what he's going to do because it'll help me in the long run.

Over extended???

The kids go back to school on Monday. Can you say HOORAY?? I can (and am!)!
I'm working tonight at the Cub Scout table at the Open House tonight. I'm going to be one very busy mom come this year...in addition to being mom, I'll be a Band Mom, Den Leader and oh yes, a martial artist. I'm actually looking forward to making an hour and a half three Tuesdays a month MINE. I say three because as a Den Leader, I have to attend Pack meetings. That'll be fun. I'm also the Pack Secretary, so I attend once a month meetings to help plan what we're doing and talk about the important stuff (Popcorn sales, etc. If you want to order popcorn, tell me now!!).

I didn't make it to class last night. I'm only hurting myself when I don't go. I think tomorrow's an "Open" class, which means I can go 'play' and enjoy myself, plus work on the material I need to know for second Dan. I also need to work on remembering Pyung Ahn OH Dan correctly. LOL!! No more Pyung Ahn Sam Dan when I'm told to do OH Dan!!

Thursday's thoughts

One of our cars is related to Lorraine's computer.
It died tonight. This is the second time this month the car has died on us. The first time, I was at karate. Tony had come to pick up Aidan and his car died, so I had to give him my keys while I took class. That night, we got the car jumped for $20.00 (not the $85.00 the dude was originally going to charge us!) and Tony took it home. That saved our bacon. He took the battery in to Auto Zone and had it checked out--it was "fine" according to them.
Fast forward to tonight. Tony called me from work and said "I'm taking the car to Goodyear. It died again. Someone here gave me a jump." Hooray! He walked home from Goodyear. It's a good thing the weather was cooler.

Goodyear called and told him that it was a battery issue. I had to tell him "I told you so!" since I'd told him that it was the battery when it first died. Ms. S suggested that...this IS Texas and extremely high temperatures will kill batteries. hahaha!! I had to laugh when he told me what it was.
$150.00 later, we've got a new bttery in the car. It really didn't take them that long to resolve the car problem. Makes me happy.

Of course, since the car died and Tony had to get to a meeting tonight, I missed my class. I guess I'll live. I'm not going to be overly grumpy. I'll just spend some time on Saturday doing forms outside. It'll be a good thing to do.
Before I left the old martial arts school, back when I was a "instructor" (I say that loosely because I only taught 2 classes by myself), I was planning on running a class outside. I stole the idea from another blog I spend time reading. He was talking about training outside. That's an idea I like. Still need to try to get that tried out one of these days. I'll go outside and do it myself. Then I can't be "busted" for teaching.

I'm a bit bummed about my weight. I've been fussing at myself all week. I didn't eat cleanly this week--last night we had nachos for dinner. Tony and I have gone from each of us eating a plate a piece to sharing one plate, and he eats the lion's share. Unfortunately, the chips have salt in them and any time you even HINT at salt near me, my body acts like it's the Sahara Desert. I seriously retain water. I gained a half pound overnight, despite 90 ounces of water! Ugh. Not my favorite thing to see. Need to work on that. I either can't eat chips (boo, hiss) or I need to up my water. That'll thrill people at work no end...they already make rude comments about me leaving my desk. Just what I don't need! DB has already reminded me once this week that I need to keep up with the water. He told me the other day that he'd drunk 2 litres of water by the time I'd barely finished 30 ounces. I've got to work on that as a goal too.
Maybe I need to figure out how to create an interactive chart to put up on my blog so that people can follow along when I'm drinking water and they can nag at me (nicely, of course) until I drink more.

Wednesday

I love the rain. I absolutely adore it. When I was younger, I don't think I appreciated it nearly as much as I do now. There's just something soothing about watching the rain fall. It's that kind of a day today. I want to be at home, watching the rain fall and enjoying the cooler weather. It's all courtesy of an upper level low system that pushed into Texas from Canada by way of Colorado. Soothing. Very nice. There's something to be said for the quality of sleep I get when it's raining. I think I relax more.

Last night was the "Husky Roundup" at the oldest child's school. We got her schedule and met the teachers. Should be a most interesting year. She's got US History this year, along with "Skills for Living" (a useful class and one I'm glad she got!), plus of course, Math, Honors Band (YES!), Pre A/P English (again!! YAY!!), Science and Intro to Business Applications this semester. This will be a very good year and we'll have to work very hard to make sure she's applying herself to doing well.

While we were there, I saw one of the teenagers from the old martial arts school. I was very happy to see her and gave her a big hug. She was surprised to see me for sure. She probably doesn't know the reasons I'm not there anymore. I am not badmouthing the old place if I can help it. I'm a firm believer in Karma--what you say/do will come back to you three times over.

I know I've mentioned things to several people, but I haven't really gone into details. They know that I felt like I wasn't worth much as a black belt...and they know that I felt like I wasn't getting a lot of support from that one person. Not everyone was like him. DB, who is my dearest friend always was able to help me and wasn't grouchy about it. I got a LOT of help from him. He helped me perfect, or at least, make better, Pyung Ahn Ee Dan. Of course, right now, I wouldn't be able to do it correctly because I haven't practiced. If you were to personify a person with good people skills, you'd have a picture of DB there.

I told one of my co-workers today, after a technician asked for ME, that he was only asking for me because I'm "nice". Then we decided that it was because the guy couldn't figure out the alphabet. M comes after A, technically speaking. However, my last name begins with an N. The other guy's last name starts with V. Go figure. However it's calculated, I got this tech and was able to help him. PLUS, it was handled in a timely fashion, which makes the boss extremely happy. The tech was supposed to be in and out in an hour. We made it just under the wire. WHEW!!

I'm taking tomorrow off. Oldest child is going to the orthodontist to get something done with her mouth. This has to do with the thing they put into her mouth to keep her teeth from shifting. She's missing an adult tooth--something she got from her mother. There was a baby tooth there but no adult tooth underneath it. They pulled the baby tooth last year and put in a spacer to keep the remaining teeth from shifting over and causing problems with her braces. She's on her third spacer because the first one was stripped (it's like a little screw). The second one had gum grow over it--she's got an awesome immune system that took over. It looks like number 3 is doing the same thing. I guess we'll find out tomorrow. I looked at it the other day. Poor kid is not going to get the lower braces, I don't think. I need to leave that determination to the dentist. I just have a feeling though...

Wake up call

Doing forms requires that you know the forms and that you can perform them. The forms are, in this order: Kee Cho Hyung Il Bu, Kee Cho Hyung Ee Bu, Kee Cho Hyung Sam Bu, Pyung Ahn Cho Dan, Pyung Ahn Ee Dan, Pyung Ahn Sa Dan, Pyung Ahn SAM Dan, Pyung Ahn Oh Dan, Bassai, Nahainchi Cho Dan, Nahainchi Ee Dan, Nahainchi Sam Dan, Sip Soo and so forth. The forms I Know are all three Kee Cho forms, *all the Pyung Ahn forms*, Bassai, Nahainchi Cho Dan and Sip Soo (which is a fourth Dan form, in case anyone's interested in that piece of trivia!).

Last night, the Dans were instructed to perform Pyung Ahn Oh Dan. I know it. What did I do? Pyung Ahn SAM Dan. AGAIN!!! What the heck is up with my mind?? Ms. S says I'm psyching myself out. I probably am. I was so focused on trying to get the technique part of the class down that I blew the forms, where all the technique comes together. Does this mean that I don't deserve my black belt? Am I not that good, in reality?? I'm now doing some serious thinking about my training methods and what made me achieve my goals.

When I first started out, I did every single form I was learning at work. I needed an outlet to practice and it was a good thing to "show off". It became harder to do that at work because we frequently have visitors and having someone doing kicks and jumps in their cubicle is not a professional thing. I was told to stop (this was a few years ago). When I was at the old place, before all the changes started, we would practice forms at every class. Forms are important, despite what people may think. I've caught flack at work for "Why are you taking martial arts if you can't defend yourself?" Well, first of all, I wasn't taking the classes for defense. I was taking them because I wanted to get fit. Along the way, I fell in love with martial arts and have since decided to take it seriously!

Last night I voiced an objective I have that I've not spoken out loud before. I want to achieve my third Dan by the time I'm 50. I'm 43 now. I earned my Cho Dan last year. I MIGHT be able to test for Ee Dan next year, depending on how hard I train and how I learn the forms and one steps. Once I reach that goal, I will have to wait 3 years before I can test for Sam Dan. I will be 47 if I test next year. I WANT that third Dan. I WANT to get to SA Dan! I want to reach Oh Dan before I turn 60. It's an achievable goal. The thing I have to do is practice. Then practice again. And more practice.

The importance of training

Being as I'm out of the house full time and only go to classes twice a week, I'm finding myself with no excuses as to why I can't remember my forms the way I think I should. I went to class last night and worked out--hard. We worked on one steps (and I actually remember #6!!), then started working on forms. When Master Mac said "Pyung Ahn Oh Dan", my brain heard "Pyung Ahn Sam Dan", so that's what I did. Then I did it again and totally flubbed up. Yep. It's been a very LONG 3 months (or more!). I hate that I blew my forms. I expect that as a black belt, I SHOULD be able to keep a form in my head for longer than a few months. I even screwed up Bassai and that's one of my favorite forms!! Nahainchi Cho Dan? You guessed it!

The lesson here is that I MUST continue to practice, no matter whether I'm affiliated with a school or not. I've got to go outside and push myself to my physical endurance and go past that or else I'll lose what I've learned. I told Master Mac and Ms. S that we need to close the windows or all my forms will fly out the window. I didn't like that. I felt like I was a total goof up.
Since we are keeping notebooks, it's a good thing to write down what went wrong and what didn't. I didn't write anything positive in my notebook about yesterday but I WILL have something positive to write down on Thursday.

Tonight I have a meeting since I'm taking over as Den Leader for my son's Den, but that shouldn't last more than an hour. After that, I can go outside and practice forms and work on my technique. I will have my forms in my head and will be better than I was last night.