Late night phone calls are NOT allowed...

I just fielded a phone call that was supposedly for my daughter. Mind you, the phone rang at 10:10 PM and I answered it. I heard a whispered, "I'm going to ask for Amanda..." as I said "Hello?" No answer. I said hello a number of times and finally got a "Can I talk to A?" I said "NO. Who is this?" He then proceeded to tell me that he needed to talk to her. I literally had to pry his name out of him. I told him that I don't allow phone calls at 10:00 at night. The last time we allow phone calls is 9:00. This "young man" let me have it, telling me that my daughter was going to be "of questionable morals" because I was "over protective". I came close to telling the little thing off, but I settled for telling him I didn't appreciate phone calls late at night. He asked for her cell phone number and I said, "she doesn't have one." That led to an expletive and question about "what kind of a child are you raising?" Hello? I am raising a child who is respectful of her elders, one who at this point hasn't gone into the "ahhh, boys!" mode and I'm happy about that. I went so far as to wake her up and question her about this person. She doesn't know who he is, but thinks it's one of the boys who gave her hell this past school year. I would dearly love to find his number and tell his parents about the late night phone call and lecture.
Am I over protective? I don't think so. I just think that I'm looking out for her best interests.

Eye opener

Yesterday, I had the good fortune to assist at the latest Gup test at BTK. I volunteered to help and was put to work, timing the runners during that part of their physical fitness testing. I guarantee this...after seeing an older gentleman blast past the younger people he was running with, I am GOING to learn to run. He made it look easy!!

I really was impressed by the way this test was run. I hadn't been that closely involved in the testing process at the old place, so I didn't realize how much work goes into setting up tests. I never had the opportunity to do anything in a helpful capacity. Basically, at the one or two tests I attended as a Dan, all I did was just lurk on the sides and make sure the kids weren't talking too loudly or goofing off.

This test was serious. It's not an automatic thing that you'll test. In our school, you have to be invited to test. I realized yesterday exactly how much the instructors see when they're running class. I know that they see a lot, but still...it was an eye opener to realize this. They have to see a lot of things in order to invite people to classes.

This school is a quality school, not a "belt mill". As I watched the students sparring, performing Ho Sin Sul and One Steps, I realized that there is a high expectation placed on each student. If we walk through the doors of this school and we sign up, we are accepting that expectation. We say, "Yes, I commit to working hard, to giving my best." During one point of the test, an examiner asked someone to show him more technique because he wanted to further observe and make sure that the student had learned what they were supposed to learn. They don't just run tests every month and at the end of the test, hand out belts and say, "Congratulations, you passed." This school makes you WORK for your belt.

Another thing I learned at the test yesterday...this school truly IS an extended family. I knew almost everyone there, with the exception of one Dan I didn't get to introduce myself to. When I walked in, the Dans from our other Dojang greeted me by name. They treated me with courtesy-we all know that karate begins with courtesy and ends with courtesy, but this is a living example of it. They are courteous to everyone. They demand the same courtesy from the people within.

What else can I say ? It was an experience that will remain with me for a long time to come.

A little of this, a little of that

Saturday was the Open Training and I was very glad I went. I got a chance to work on the first eight one steps and Ho Sin Sul. I remember the Bear Hug one and am going to make Tony practice it with me. It's always good to practice, especially when you've got someone who doesn't know what you're trying to do. I won't hurt him or anything, but I want to make sure I can perform that Ho Sin Sul properly for when we run through them in class this week. I'm going to attend one class...I have Cub Scouts on Thursday, so Tuesday is my only day.
That's my birthday, so I am hoping that I get a wickedly killer work out in.

Saturday afternoon, I got a quick lesson in picking out wood for the Gup test too. My friend, Ms. S, took me with her as she picked out the boards. That was an interesting concept. The first plank of wood we picked out was very light (for an 8-10 foot piece of wood!). The second one was heavier than the first. It was amazing--we could tell how wet it still was. Like I said, that was definitely an eye opener.

I got a very nice surprise from Miss Amanda on Saturday as well. We received (finally!) the scores from her state mandated tests in Social Studies/History and Science. I knew that she'd do well, but I wasn't prepared for HOW well she did!
She was commended on both of them! This is her third test this year that was Commended!! I am really proud of her!!

I signed up for a "Biggest Loser" thing with my apartment complex. I've finally decided to get smart about working on my health. We had to weigh in, plus they ran us through a fitness test. I did 32 crunches--my fitness goal for testing purposes, for my age, is 34, so I'm on target there. I don't EVEN want to mention the pushups, but I will anyway. I only did 5. I'm supposed to do 36 of them for fitness requirements, so that's something to work on. The trainer didn't allow "girlie" pushups (on your hands and knees). No, these were full on, "military style" pushups in a plank position. Can we say "more work needed"?? Yep, that's me!!

I was the shortest person there and the largest as well. All the other women were so small, I was questioning the "whys" of them, but I decided that I really don't CARE why they're there. I'm not going to be all self conscious about why I'm there. We all want to be healthy. *I* want to be healthy. I want to get some guidance in my work outs so that I can drop close to 100 pounds. It won't happen in 8 weeks, which is when the BL program runs, but if I lose about 4 inches, I will feel great. I am going to start pushing myself to get my butt out and exercising during lunch at work. I'm not taking being "large" anymore. Ms. S reminded me of something I said in my last black belt essay. I had written that "a black belt is an example to the rest of the martial arts community and others" (paraphrasing badly, I think), so I need to make sure that I'm providing a good example!

Full Circle

I recently had the opportunity to forward a copy of my black belt essay to a friend for her opinions. She came back with some incredibly interesting observations, ones that I wouldn't have even thought of.

One of the things she pointed out was that I had mentioned self discipline. That has been, up until recently, sadly lacking in my life. I had let myself get kind of ho-hum about my training. I worked really hard from October of 2006 to September of 2007 to earn my black belt. That started in March of 2007 and went onward to September, so I had six months to work on myself, to get myself into a better frame of mine mentally and get myself physically conditioned. Of course, at that time, the belt test only consisted of doing some physical things--jumping jacks (100), pushups, sit ups and then much technique and finally into forms and sparring. At the very end of the test, we broke boards, then the test was over.

I felt like I was really on top of my game at that time. I had to write an essay on what becoming a black belt meant to me. I still feel that it means that my hard work paid off. At this point, if someone asked me what does being a black belt mean, I'd seriously have to tell them that the journey is not over once you earn that belt. It's just beginning. That's actually how I feel right now.

I had a unique opportunity starting in July of 2008. I left my old school, feeling rather bummed and annoyed with the way things had been going. I didn't feel like I had been appreciated and there were hard feelings. I'm since over that because I've moved on. I built the proverbial bridge, so to speak. I gave up my irritation with the old ways and moved on to a school where things are different. I'm not complaining. I feel like it was a good move. Yes, I've had melt downs. I've gone through a period of time where I felt like I wasn't good enough for this school, where I doubted myself and my abilities. It took a good friend to send me an email telling me to get over myself for me to actually open my eyes.
In this school, nobody judges you on your abilities. If you don't know the Korean, well, they'll help you learn it. If you don't know a form quite the way this school does the form, they'll help you refine your ways. They're supportive, they help you and they encourage you to keep going. As an example, during Thursday's class, when we were doing our "ladder drill", I asked Ms. M if she could recommend something for turning my hips over more during kicks and she was happy to offer advice.

I've come full circle. I'm now looking at things in a new light. I feel like I'm learning discipline again. Yes, I do still have issues, but recently, I haven't found myself griping about how I "can't" do something. I attempt everything with an open mind and give myself the chance. I put myself into my training. You're only going to get out of your training what you put into it. If I want to get a good technique out of it, I need to put a good attitude into my training. I will not help anyone else if I'm negative and whiny, most especially myself.

For all this, I have to thank someone who is proving to follow one of the class tenents..."Honor Friendship". She truly is a person I'm honored to call my friend. If it hadn't been for her and several others, I wouldn't be thinking positively. I wouldn't be where I am now. At the beginning of *every* class, I tell myself that I will do my best. I don't care what I'm asked to do and I'm not going to make snarky comments to myself about what I'm doing. I'm actually learning to laugh at myself and the biggest thing...I'm leaning on my FRIENDS and working on improving things.

The next time someone asks me about my friends, I can honestly tell them that the martial artists I have met are some of the most loyal, most steadfast people I know. If it wasn't for the bluntness, patience, support and most of all, the sheer love these people have for their sport, I woudln't be feeling like I belong.

I've come full circle. I'm starting over and it is wonderful!! I'm back to being "obsessed" with martial arts. I feel something even more important. I. BELONG.

Memorial Day

On this Memorial Day, we need to remember the people who have fought to preserve our freedom. We salute those who fought for us and those who continue to fight on many different fronts.

Class review

This week has flown by quickly. Tuesday was class...Master G taught us a few things about sparring. We did a drill called "sticky feet"...you reach out with your foot and touch your partner with your foot. Hold it for about a second. Then you draw it back. The point of that drill was not to be quick to kick, but to think about the technique, the way you were doing the kick. We did it with front (ap cha gi) and side (yup cha gi) kicks. After that, we worked on a lunging drill where you lunge forward by pushing off your back foot and not jumping, but lunging forward. It's a bit like a fencer's lunge. Master G said to think of your rear leg as the gas and your front leg like the brakes. You let off the brakes and give it gas. You have to think of moving both feet. It was a good tough workout that night.
Thursday was another fun class. We did a "ladder" drill that night. That was a kicking drill...low kick, chamber, mid-level kick, chamber (and try your best to fight the urge to put your foot down!), then a higher kick. I have to think about that drill and work on it more. In the past, I have been allowing myself to touch the ground after kicking....that's going to change because I see the need for it.

Today I went over to Ms. S's house and worked with her and her daughter on Ho Sin Sul. We started at our highest and worked our way down toward the white belt Ho Sin Sul. I got a good idea of how it should be done. I made some notes and will review them. One of the Ho Sin Sul is one that I need to practice with hubby as I need someone heavier than me to pin me down so that I can escape it. That's a practical application and I should work with that.

I'm really enjoying class now. It seems like I had to cross a line in order to reach this part of it. Now I can see what I have been missing. I am settling into my role in this school and will continue to try to improve. One of the things I like so much is the fact that everyone learns the same thing. It's not groups breaking off and working on different things. Instead, everyone learns the same information and it's up to you to keep practicing outside of class. We keep training journals and write after class what we learned. It's a good review because you can go back and see what you've been doing, what was taught and how you think you did. I know I've been working on the lunges outside of class. That is a useful skill to know. Master G said that we need to think beyond moving backwards, to learn to move to the sides and diagonally as well. We also want to learn not to leave any part of yourself behind when you move.

Sunday reflections

Last night was the End of Year banquet for Cub Scouts. I am proud to say that my entire Den was able to be promoted to the next level, to Webelos. That's a great thing! I'm really proud of the boys. They all worked hard to achieve their ranks.
We had to hand out their Bears first for the ones who didn't have them along with their other achievements. I gave my assistant Den Leader the opportunity to hand out the awards. I figured he could do that. I'll have to work on my public speaking...but that's something that can be done at almost any time.

While I was out with the young man last night, hubby got to chaperone our daughter and a friend. They played video games until Aidan and I got home. We finally chased them off to bed at 11:30, but when I got up this morning at 6:30, they were up in Amanda's room, giggling and laughing. We found out just a little bit ago that they didn't sleep all night. UGH. I can't deal with a lack of sleep. I don't know how they did it. I guess they're more resilient than I am, but still...it's crazy in my eyes.

Not a lot is planned for today. I need to work on my one steps. I have 1-4 memorized. I want to advance to the next four and get them nailed, then I can work on the next four. I'm going to get them done in increments. I like the idea of learning more. It feels good to learn. I may drag the hubby outside and practice on him.

Feeling pretty good!

I'm feeling pretty good, despite feeling like I've just had my arms beaten to a light pulp from the one steps we worked on during class tonight. If I rest them on the computer, I can feel a couple of spots where there will be wickedly awesome bruises tomorrow or Thursday. Cool. I know, I'm odd. I am proud of my bruises because it means I worked hard!!

Tonight during class we worked on one steps and sparring. The one steps were great. We went through the first 8...and now I have to look at the highest one steps (tomorrow), grab the hubby and practice at least the top few and work my way down the list on them. I am feeling pretty confident I can do it.

We worked on sparring as well. The sparring was "contract sparring" where we told our partners what we wanted to work on. It was blocking for me, plus kicking and punching. At the very end, I worked with my friend, S, on sparring. She showed me how to put together combinations that would be effective. She suggested that I work on remembering that if I block with the front hand, I need to hit with the low hand or so on. Her suggestion was "think Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots".

Master M called upon me tonight about a one step and fortunately, I had a bit of coaching from my partner, so I wasn't a complete boob about remembering. I did remember #4 without being prompted. I appreciate Master M showing us what she was expecting because it helps me get a clear picture in my mind of what I am expected to do. I think I've about decided I'm a visual learner. I have to be shown what to do in order to learn it. I think my kids are the same way. It makes sense though.

Tomorrow I'm going to work on Ho Sin Sul for a few minutes in the morning. I do have the first two memorized. There are 20, so I have 18 more to go. (hmmm, same number as the Funakoshi Codes I have to memorize. I'm on #13 there...)

Happy Mother's Day!

I hope that everyone has had a wonderful Mother's Day. It's been a great day to do very little. I accomplished two things today. I got my daughter to the high school to work on her marching stuff and I walked a mile in ten minutes. In addition, I actually *ran* a little bit! I feel really good about that! I enjoyed that! I walked up around the end of the oval, ran the back straightaway to the second end of the oval and then walked the rest of the track. I did that twice. The first time, I actually managed to run sideways as well as running forward. I was trying to get Aidan to keep running. He was running with me but complained about it. I was trying to convince him that he could keep running since he's younger than me. He stopped, but that's okay. I just kept running until the end of the track. I did that twice, so I'm feeling pretty smug.

I also got Aidan to practice my first couple of Ho Sin Sul with me. He liked that. I have one and two down without much trouble. The next step is to get busy and learn 3 and 4 properly. I'll work on those at work this week. I made myself a bit of a promise--I'm going to learn my Ho Sin Sul and work on One Steps outside of class. My next step is to grab Amanda and get her to work on them with me.

Whirlwind

It has been a really busy week! I traded hours with someone at work so that I wouldn't have to work until 6:30 pm on Monday. Tuesday, I took Amanda to her "First Steps in Band" practice. She had a blast. I was impressed by it and have to admit to suffering from "Helium Hand". I volunteered to help with the March-A-Thon the band holds every August before school starts, to raise money for the band. I'm going to walk with the kids about 3-4 miles. We'll be walking about a mile to get from one elementary school to another. The kids play their instruments during this March-a-thon. I think I'm more excited about it than Amanda is.

She did get chosen by a Drum Major to try out for his squad. Basically, what it means is that a Drum Major earns leadership points or something for teaching a Freshman to march. We're going to the school on Sunday for her to work with this boy. I"m going to be there, walking the track.

We also have Cub Scouts getting ready to end for the school year. I'm going to be the Den leader next year too, as Aidan's in Webelos (that will be his next rank). We have a camp coming up next month that I need to get ready for. After that it'll be Amanda's Band Camp in August. One of us will have to drop her off at the school practice field at 7:30 and pick her up (unless she gets a ride home from someone) at 3:30. It's going to make for a very long day for her. I kind of hope her friend, Sammi brings her home. It'll make things easier on us.
The first week of August is the Freshman camp, then there's the full band for the next three weeks. Their first performance will be the last Friday in August, in Longview, TX, which is 3 hours East of Allen. THAT ought to be fun!!

I spent the greater part of today in major stress. I'm not going to go into details, but I've decided that I'm letting it all go away. I'm not holding on to it.
Tomorrow is a new day.

I have letters to write that I have started and put off. The people I owe the letters to are extremely patient with me. I think it's time i sat down and scribbled out a note or three while I'm running my virus check tomorrow.
That's another day..

Mini Goal for May

Okay, I've set a mini goal for May.

I have to learn something for martial arts and I've decided that I will learn it by June 2nd. It's all of 20 lines, each of them referring to a saying by Master Gichin Funakoshi. I have the first 7 memorized, so I'm going to work on the last 20.

I can do it...

Balance

In talking to my chiropractor this week, I mentioned to him that I needed to learn to turn my hips over better when I'm doing side kicks. He mentioned to me that I needed to get a wobble board to work on improving my balance. My chiropractor is a martial artist and knows that you have to have balance in order to be able to get the movement down for the turn. When you perform a side kick, you need to be able to 1. Turn your hips over and 2. Allow your supporting foot to pivot. If you don't, you will not perform the kick correctly. He said that the wobble board would improve my balance and would allow me to be able to execute the kicks properly.

I missed a good class on side kicks a few weeks ago. K said that Master G had everyone lay on the floor and practice kicking. It helped improve the positioning. I have to make a point of practicing that at home. It will definitely help with the ability to learn how the kick should feel.

Tony told me that the Wii Fit board we have should do the same as a wobble board, but I'm not 100% convinced. Yes, it will work on balance, but is it enough to improve the balance properly? I'm going to keep that in mind.
I have the Wii Fit, but I don't use it. I haven't used it in nearly 6 months. It is time to dig it out and start using it.

Great week

This has been an interesting week. I went to class on Tuesday and on Thursday. By Thursday, I was counting in Korean. I learned a bit about the Korean flag. I can explain what the bars on the flag mean. I haven't learned the name of the Yin/Yang symbol in the middle of the flag, but I CAN tell you that the blue is Female, the red is male. On Tuesday, I worked with Master M and K on Pyung Ahn Ee Danm. I feel like I'm doing it better. It's definitely coming together. I learned how to transition to the inside/outside block, kick, reverse punch. That looks better now.

Last night we worked on hand techniques, then went on to work on kicks. Master F gave us a drill where we worked on a high x block. Please pardon me...I had the Korean for that but just let it escape. Sang Soo Sang Dan Mahkee...that's it!
We used a blocking tool, but I can just imagine how that would have felt if we'd been using actual swords/bats/whatever. That and one steps are my next things to work on at home. Well, one steps and Ho Sin Sul. I need that. I want to go back to class and be prepared.

I am also working on learning the Funakoshi codes. In our school, every first gup should be able to know these codes and explain them. It stands to reason that if I am walking into the position of Dan in this school, I must learn it as well, so that's what I'm working on. I DID just learn to count to ten in Korean so that's a good thing. I feel like I've crossed a bridge there. I'm getting somewhere.

In talking to my chiropractor about a few things, I mentioned that I didn't turn my hips over when I was doing side kicks.. He's a martial artist, so he had an answer for it. I need to get a "wobble board". My friend, S, said she got one after one of her knee surgeries. She swears by it. I'm going to look into it. Dr. B says that working on my balance will fix my kicking. I'll be less rooted and more balanced. I think it'll make a huge difference in everything--forms, technique, one steps, ho sin sul. I might even get past the fear of falling that I have. It's certainly worth a shot!!

A little of this, a little of that...

I am doing amazingly well in NOT going absolutely bonkers and nuts, all things considered today. It's my late day, and I had training first off. I didn't get off my last call until 2:00 and will have to get back on the phone at 2:30 because I will run into someone else's break if I go until 3:00. It's a crazy thing. I don't believe in taking other peoples' breaks...they prefer that courtesy, I hope. That doesn't mean that they'll return it, but you know what? I'm making the effort! That's all that matters.

I've about decided that I'm a closet writer. I don't write the best things, but I love to write. I really need to decide WHAT to write and then actually sit down and write. I may surprise myself. I haven't truly decided what I want to do "when I grow up", but I'm sure that another 20 years of answering the phones may do me in.

Hubby gave me a new camera as a combined Mother's Day/birthday present. I've got to find myself a CF card or an XD card for it now. It can take either one. I charged the battery yesterday, so now I have to get busy and read the manual.
I won't call myself a photographer, only an amateur, but I'm enjoying it. I have a dear friend I learned a lot from. I have to credit him for how some of my pictures turn out. I took a close up picture of a bluebonnet that I can credit Rhys for because I wouldn't have ever thought to get that close to one before we became friends.

Anyway...I suppose I need to get back on the phone. I only have a little over 3 hours left until I get to leave for the day!!

The return of me....

I've been working on my mental issues this week and this weekend. I may finally be feeling less moody and less down on myself. I know I haven't been in the right place in my head, but I've been working on that. I'm trying to tell myself nice things daily. I tried it a few months ago and gave it up, but I'm starting over. I want to give myself a fighting chance to be the person I know I want to be. I want to be happier and healthier.

I'm looking forward to this week. I have to work, of course, because I haven't won the darned lottery (YET), but...I'm making the best out of THAT situation. I can't control the crap that goes on--the people who appear to be doing other things than answering the phones, but I'm not going to worry about that too much. I'm not in charge. Someone else is. Until they give me the go ahead to worry about the phones, I'm only going to worry about me, not about others.

We're going camping with the family next weekend and that's going to be a great thing. I'm really, really looking forward to it. Getting out and about, enjoying being disconnected from cell phones, mp3 players, etc. I'm looking forward to that. I promised the boys that if I could get their Den leaders to agree to it, we'll all go out in the woods, close our eyes and listen to the sounds of the birds we'll hear out there. I also volunteered to be the MC on Saturday night at the campfire, when the boys are doing skits (this is a Cub Scout Family campout). I think I can handle it. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a big mouth. LOL! I'm going to have fun with it.

Tuesday and Thursday is karate. I wasn't in class last week due to Cubs and not feeling 100%, so this is going to be a good thing. I'm seeing my doctor on Wednesday and will have a good report from him, I hope. As of this past Friday, he said he was fairly satisfied with my progress. I'm happy to hear that. It means that I'm doing better at controlling things like sitting with my foot tucked up under my rear, etc. I'm consciously thinking about that and correcting it if I happen to find myself doing it. He also told me that I need to build up my upper and lower body strength as well as my core strength. I found a series of exercises in Self Magazine that are great for 'tush tighteners' and they also work the arms and legs as well. I just have to remember to do them on non-consecutive days. I want these exercises to work, so I have to work on them three days a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday mornings, then Tuesday and Thursday are karate. This will work out. I'm going to ask another friend who teaches mixed martial arts classes if I can come in and work with him a couple of times to get some serious cardio work in. I think I finally got serious. I really do.

I was able to find a couple of things I wanted to find this week...I found my language CD so I can review my Korean for class. I also found my other "foot" hidden in my closet tonight, so I have my complete sparring gear again. YAY! Now all I need to do is to get a mouth guard and I think we have one hiding around here somewhere. I'm almost prepared. My next step is to get myself physically fit and I'll feel better. I've decided that I need to get off my (bleep!) and start working on myself. I will feel better and will have a lot more self confidence.

Japanese Festival

Yesterday, Amanda and I went to the Japanese Festival in Fort Worth at the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens, in the Japanese Gardens. We went with the BTK ladies. It was a lot of fun. We heard Taiko drummers, saw some dancing and of course, martial arts demonstrations. The first martial arts demonstration was a Hanbo-Jitsu demonstration. That was interesting. They used various grabs and arm bars. We watched one big guy pick up a girl and she showed everyone how to get out of it. She literally swung her feet up, then used her momentum to get her feet back to the ground. Then she dropped a shoulder and threw the guy over her shoulder to the ground.
We watched them, then wandered off to the Zen garden area. Amanda made an origami crane (which I put into her purse, so it got mushed) and got her name written in Kanjii. We tried to do fish painting with the kids since we had three kids, but the ladies at the fish painting pavilion said they were out of paper.

We went out and had lunch out by the Rose Gardens. There were a lot of brides there, taking pictures. It was really neat to see. I think there was at least one wedding taking place because we saw a party of people who were in green dresses and of course, tuxedos. I don't think I saw the bride, just the bridal party.

One of our members, K, and her family brought lunch for us all. She spoiled us immensely. We had a mushroom and rice dish, Japanese meatballs, an egg dish that I liked (need to get the recipe from her!) and for an end, we had cheesecake. It was really good. She likes to cook and it shows. We were spoiled rotten by her. Thank you for that meal, K!!

After that, we wandered around a bit. The weather was misty, humid and very nice. It was peaceful in the gardens. They have a Zen garden that must take a long time to get it just right. There's also several connecting small ponds that are interconnected. They have very large koi in these ponds. The koi know that whenever something is dropped into the water, it's food. They literally will swarm the bridges and the areas near the edge of the pool that are accessible to the public. The caretakers of the gardens have set out food dispensers with kibble specifically for the feeding of the koi. Those fish are HUGE!! Amanda had a blast feeding them. This was her first visit to the gardens. I've been there before, but it has been many years since I was last out there.
There's also a large blue heron out there who regularly eats the koi. From what I was told, the groundskeepers call him "jaws". He's protected, so they can't do anything about it. I got a couple of pictures of him but I was too far away for a good shot. I need to get a new camera for long distance pictures, but that's a dream for another time.

We watched another martial arts demonstration before we left. This one was a combination karate and Tai Chi demonstration. His Tai Chi class demonstration was very serene and looked nice. I would like to take classes some time. If he wasn't out in Fort Worth, I'd be more than happy to take classes. I liked the way the Sensei ran his demo. He didn't have JUST his high ranked karate students out there. He had the full range of students, from white belt to black belt. I really enjoyed seeing it. He ran the demonstration as if he was teaching a normal class. He had the students run through katas. I could see the similarities between the forms I do in Tang Soo Do and the karate kata they were doing. At the end of his karate demonstration, Sensei came down to the mats and did a kata, which I think was Bassai. It was beautifully executed.

They had the Tai Chi students come back out afterwards and they had a group Tai Chi session with the audience. Amanda participated in that and says she enjoyed it. She followed the person in front of her and beside her and did fairly well.

This was the first Japanese Festival I've attended. I think if I'm invited again next year, I'm going.

UIL Competition

Oldest child had a UIL competition today. It was held at one of the local high schools. They had a competition in both playing and sight reading. The band, both Symphonic and Honors (which #1 daughter is in) took 1's in the competitions. I am very proud of them. They did a great job of preparation leading up to the competition. Last month, they had a pre-UIL competition and did very well according to their director.

The next step is for the kids who are getting ready to move on to the Freshman Center get ready for Marching Band. That happens on May 5th. Then we have a Spring Concert on May 28th. At some point, her hectic school schedule may simmer down a little bit, but I'm not 100% sure. There's still a summer time band camp for her to attend.

Bring on the ice packs

Today I went to see a chiropractor for the first time in many years. He was recommended by a friend and I decided that I'd finally get off my butt and go see him. They were able to get me in today (hooray!). He was a very kind and thorough guy. He doesn't strike me as the type to run a thousand tests on you (nor did he!) to get more money out of you. He doesn't have a huge office, nor a ton of people waiting and I think I liked that the best.

He examined me, took some x-rays and then put me on a "tens machine". They were trying to get the nerve in the lower back stimulated to respond better. That was a neat experience. It's like getting a lot of little shocks but it felt good, if that makes sense? It wasn't like a shock of putting your finger into a light socket or whatever. It was just a really good, tingly feeling.

After that session, he manipulated my back some. He had this table that was a bit like a "rack". He strapped my legs down and *stretched* the nerve that runs down the back. He also interpreted my x-rays and told me how we needed to approach the pain I've been feeling. (The pain has been a numb, tingly, sharp, off and on pain that has been with me for over a year. I thought it was my I/T band (ilio-tibial) but he thinks it's a pinched sacral nerve. I forget the name of the nerve, but he thinks that's the problem.

So, after he "tortured" me on the rack, he told me to go home and ice myself. I wasn't able to do it because I had to get Mr. A from school and make dinner, then I had class to go to. I went and had a lot of fun. It was an intense class!
We worked on a lot of things--Ho Sin Sul, One Steps. It was well worth going. I dont' regret much...other than not knowing how to speak Korean. We started out class with a warm up that included 10 jumping jacks per person. PER PERSON!!! 100 jumping jacks. YIKES!! LOL! My poor calves are a bit stiff and sore right now. I've already knocked back 32 ounces of water and may attack another one. We shall see.

It's time to get an ice pack out and and put it on my hip. I feel like I did a lot of good today. I got adjusted, then I went to class and worked hard. I feel like I made a huge improvement in my technique. I do need to remember to ask for help when I don't know something.

Now I'm going to relax.

Reviewing myself

I had Dan training yesterday and I had a chance to talk to Master G. I told him that I was in a better place in my mind. I'm not 100% over myself and my "wannas" but I'll get over it. There's a saying in the dojang--check your ego at the door. I'm not stupid enough to think that I'm as good as the Dans I trained with. I know I have MUCH to learn, but they were there to help me. I worked with Mr. L and had a lot of fun learning. He was so serious but such a good person to learn from. He made no bones about grabbing me during the Ho Sin Sparring. His goal was to grab me and my goal was to get out of his grip. In the past, I would have tried to avoid any sort of thing like that and would have made excuses for trying to get away. I had no option to do that. It was a serious training. It wasn't a "you have to do as little as possible". I like the challenge. I promised Ms. S that I wouldn't flinch (much!) when someone hit me. She warned me that I would be taking hits, but not to say "Ouch!" because they would exploit it and would work on me for that. I'm pleased to say that I didn't flinch (much!) about taking grabs. You know what? I'd be ready to do it again.

I am going to be working on myself. I want to get myself to the point where I'm not afraid of being me. I'm not going to be a whiny person if I can avoid it. I rather like myself the way I think I'm becoming. I didn't like the whiner I was. I've since been working on how I think. I'm leaving the "I don't..." outside the dojang. If I need help, I'm going to have to put aside my ego and ASK.
I do NOT know the Korean (hangul?), but darn it, I WILL learn it! I can now count to six in Korean...I'm working on that. I'm working on terminology. I'm not afraid to ask now. I make mistakes and now can laugh about it. (Ask my classmates about the 7 Class Tenents that turned into 8! There was extra credit for knowing the 8th one according to Master F!)

I still have much to learn. In terms of my learning, I'm just starting out on my journey in BTK. I'm feeling a lot of love and exasperation from my classmates. There are days when I'm sure they want to whap me upside the head, but you know what? I don't think I'd blame 'em for it!

Sore, but knowledge filled Saturday

I love hurting. It means that I actually LEARNED something!! Today was no exception. I attended the first Dan training I have attended in quite some time. You know what? I feel awesome (despite hurting)!! I truly feel that I learned a lot and can put it toward my training in my normal classes.

Master G taught us. He started us out with a quick self warm up for a couple of minutes, then, as there were enough of us to have to form two lines, we paired up with the person in the line ahead of us. I got to work with Mr. L. It's really good to work with someone different because you can't predict what they're going to do when you're sparring. More on that later...

We did a partner warm up with a medicine ball. We had to stand back to back, then one person lifted the ball up over his or her head to their partner. The partner then brought it down and passed it through their legs and stood back up. We did 10-20 of those. I think I blanked out on the exact number. It doesn't matter. It was a warm up.

After that, we did an "oblique twist". MG didn't call it that, but it fits it. With your ball, you are going to twist to the side and pass the ball to your partner, who is going to twist past the midline to grab it. It was a challenge to NOT grab my partner's hands. I got dizzy and when I talked to Master G after class, he said that if you don't breathe, you will get that dizzy feeling. It's good to know. He also gave us some pointers about practicing moving our hands to get in an extra workout for our hands and wrists. It improves the flexibility there too.

We worked on targeting our kicks. As Dans, we should be able to execute a kick well, but to be EFFECTIVE, you have to know how to target and how to hit your target. MG had us pay attention to hitting the target (we used the 'clapper' things and big pads). The first kick was an 'outside/inside crescent kick'...need to work on my terminology knowledge because I can see that I'm missing some thing.

After the inside/outside crescent (12 on each leg, twice), then we switched to side kicks. Again, we worked on targeting and on using our hips. You have to pay attention to how you move your hips and you have to PIVOT on that support foot, not lock it.

We also worked on sparring and Ho Sin Sul, in combination. We went slowly, but had to put the Ho Sin Sul in.. Basically, as you are sparring, let yourself be grabbed, then get out of it using the appropriate defense. It's a lot harder than it sounds. I had a hard time breaking free from Mr. L because he has a good, hard grip. I like things like that because I can learn from him while I'm working with him. I liked the combination of sparring and Ho Sin Sul. I would like to do that again.

Came home from class and have basically done very little. I wrote things in my training notebooks, but nothing else. I'm currently sitting on the couch with the cat and my computer.

Nice night for a walk

This is a bummer. We walked up to the junior high school tonight to go use the track. When we got there, we found that the track is locked up. No entrance. Big padlock on the fence. boo! That meant that I couldn't go running. Since I couldn't run, we just made it a nice round trip walk. It's 1.2 miles from our apartment to the school and I'm assuming it's another 1.2 miles back, so we walked 2.4 miles today. I've got karate tomorrow night, so a walk is out of the question, but probably on Wednesday we'll go walking again.

One of my friends had warned me not to let the weather get to me. I came close, I'll have you know! I came home, sat on the couch and thought about excuses. Then I got up, put my shoes on and we went walking. No, it wasn't the run I wanted, but at least I walked!! We were out for about 30-40 minutes, but we weren't walking fast. I'll work my way up to that. Google Maps says that the route is about 16 minutes on foot. If that's the case, I can cut it down in successive walks.

So. There you have it. I walked. Part one down.

SUNday

These little flowers are so bight, they appear to reflect the light. They were part of the pictures we took yesterday. I enjoyed that. I want to get out and go look for more wildflowers. I may have to wait for about another week or so in order to get some really GOOD pictures.

I'm sitting by the window, looking at the doves that keep flying up to the patio and tormenting the cat. Last week, we were sitting on the couch when a dove came up, perched on the ledge right outside the living room window and peeked in the window. We had the window open and Skeeter saw the bird. He went to the window really fast. We just laughed ourselves silly. That bird apparently wanted to find out what we were doing and Skeeter surprised them!!

Next weekend, I may actually start attempting to run. I figure I'll go to the track and start out with one lap first, then work up to two and so forth. I'm going to drag the kids with me. We might walk it first, then attempt a run. It'll be a good challenge. I don't know if the Middle School track will be open, but if it's not, the High School track will be. There are always people out at that track.
I'm setting a small goal--by the end of April, I want to confidently run 1 lap around that track. I don't know how long I want to say it should take me, but 4 laps is a mile and I should be able to finish THAT in 10 minutes. Time to work up to a ten minute mile. The whole point is to NOT get disappointed if I don't make the mile. The point is to TRY to get the quarter mile first and then work up to the mile.

First Saturday in April

This morning, we went out early and went hunting. We were hunting for bluebonnets. For those who aren't from Texas, the bluebonnet is the state flower. When they bloom, they don't bloom onesies or twosies, but rather full patches, like in the picture above. They are very impressive when they're in full bloom because the color is so blue, it's nearly purple.


The bluebonnets are hardy plants and very pretty. If you're lucky enough to be able to find some that haven't been invaded by visitors, you can get pretty good shots.

Whenever you see the bluebonnets, you will know that Spring has sprung.

Hooray for Friday!

First of all...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ML!!
I don't know if you even read this blog, but Happy Birthday anyway!

I'm so happy it's Friday! I'm planning on taking advantage of the great weather we're supposed to have this weekend to open windows and let in some fresh air. Spring cleaning is here. I just hope I stay motivated. I haven't been too horribly motivated lately.

I'm leaving work at 4:00 today (or 3:30 if my boss will approve an extra 30 minutes), so that makes me cheerful. I can start my weekend off early. Little things like that make me happy. It's all about being happy. (snicker)

I think I've been happier this week than I have been in a while. I've been reading a book by Bob Harper called Are You Ready! Yes, it is THE Bob, one of the trainers from Biggest Loser. I found his book a couple of weeks ago and hubby decided that he'd buy it for me. I started it and while I have put it aside periodically, I've picked it up and am back where I started.
Chapter 2 was a definite motivator. It is titled "Accept where you are and forgive". Hmmm. Think that one speaks volumes. I have read that chapter all the way through once, but put the book down, so I'm going to pick it back up and re-read it.

Review and conquerI

I got to refresh my mind the on the Open Handed Arnis and the arm bar I learned last night from Ms. M today. I had a chance to demonstrate to the resident BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) student at work.

I was able to demonstrate this to him because I trapped him in my cubicle. He had come in from doing an install of a fax machine and had forgotten something, so he came in to check on it. I reminded him of how the machine operated and then was able to show him some non work-related things. It was well worth it.
Of course, he had to show me a few things from his class. We talked about the similarities to that arm bar and one he showed me.

I also refreshed my memory by typing my notes to a couple of fellow students in class. It's fun to go back and look over your notes after they're not "fresh"...it's a good refresher. Tomorrow night I'll miss the next part of the Arnis...I've got a Cub Scout function I need to go to. I only have 2 more...would have been only this one but I didn't go to the meeting at the first of March because I was sick.

I am also reviewing forms and my 'c-step' as I want to get back into 'fighting form'. I really think I'm getting my head out of the darkness! YAY!!

Cubs. Karate. Missed classes

The last Tuesday of the month is a busy one. We have Cub Scouts at the end of the month, so I have to miss out on classes for that. The first Thursday of the month is also Roundtable, so I will miss class on Thursday.

When we finished with Cub Scouts, I took the young Bear (he was awarded his Bear tonight, so he's ready to advance to Weebelos ) with me and we went to my class. I had promised myself that if I had the time, I'd go to observe. I'm very glad I did. Ms. M was teaching some Arnis which was wickedly awesome.

They were in the smaller room, but at about 8:35, they moved to the Wooden room and they allowed me and the youngster to go in there with them. Ms. S told me that I should have gone in since they had been working on the Arnis. I was allowed to come in, observe and make notes, so I had to make sure that I got some really good notes.

I found out that Mr. B had also been there, teaching the first part of class. He had a tool box with him. In his toolbox was a hammer, a sledgehammer and I forget what else Ms. M said was in there. There wasn't anything in the bottom of it, but there was a really good lesson there. I've asked Ms. M to give Mr. B my email address so that I could get his talk on the toolbox from him. I'm a bit disappointed that I missed out on it, but...I'll just have to see if I can get the info directly from the source.

After class was over, I got Ms. M to show me the Arnis techniques she'd been teaching in class. That was incredible and awesome. I was thrilled to be able to work with her and learn from her. It meant a lot to me to get the opportunity to get some time after class to work on what I was missing out on. Even the young man jumped in and did the one exercise, a "wall press". (It wasn't actually sitting on it, but it had to do with inner strength.)

I also got to talk to Ms. M and apologised to her for my temper fit after class and during class last Tuesday. I told her that I had behaved inappropriately and that I owed her an apology. I explained why I'd felt like that. She said "everyone goes through it". I really appreciated her taking time out of her night to talk to me after class. That was something I appreciate.

Even though I didn't go to class officially, I think I learned a lot. I'm very happy and feel that I got a lot out of it. I am going to take what I learned tonight and put it to good use. I'm a lot happier and in a better place in my mind.

I'm ready to learn more!!

Epiphany?

I had an epiphany of sorts today. It all has to do with attitude and how you approach life.


Due to the way things have been lately, I've done a lot more soul searching and thinking than I would have done normally. I let my poor self esteem ruin my confidence and thought about that a bit. I put myself into a friend's shoes and then decided that I could do a bit more being like her. I owe her a huge THANK YOU!!

Thursday night I had one of the best classes I've let myself have in forever. I felt...surprisingly GOOD about it. I have told myself "I don't remember..." (fill in a form). That's self defeatist and I'm not going there any more. I will not allow myself to say "I don't..." Instead, I'm going to ask for help and refreshing my memory. I have to start that or I'll just hurt myself. I mean I'll hurt myself mentally and emotionally. I don't need that. If I'm going to stay in martial arts, I have to toughen myself up. I have a quote on the signature of my email that has maybe finally sunk in..."He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~Lao Tzu "     

Wish List

We recently had visitors from out of state stay with us. They live in Idaho Falls. I've lived Washington State, but have never been to the Northern states such as Idaho, Montana, the Dakotas, etc. Hubby and I got to talking today about making plans. We had asked our guests if they were close to Glacier National Park in Montana. They aren't too horribly far, probably 2-4 hours drive, I think she said.
We are a 28 hour drive (Google Maps said it was 1 day, 4 hours to get there from here) away. We're now looking at the possibility of traveling up that way this summer. It would be a great experience for all of us. I know I would love being away from the 100+ degree temperatures that are Texas in the summer. The average temperatures during the summer up there are the 60s-70s. Can we say "climate envy"?!

So, on my wish list for now is a trip up North for the summer. It'll do us all good to get out and go electron free for a while. We may enjoy it!!

I feel good

I'm pretty tired and wiped out, but I have to say that I feel so much better tonight than I did the other night, it's not even funny! I got to work with a very patient Master who helped me overcome some differences in the way I learned and the way I need to do forms now. I feel much better about doing them.
We worked on the Keechyo forms: Keechyo Hyung Il Bu, Keechyo Hyung Ee Bu, Keechyo Hyung Sam Bu. Then we broke off and worked on forms with different people. I worked with Master M and Mr. S. We reviewed Pyung Ahn Ee Dan and I learned some neat ways to improve what I knew...It was a great refresher and I think I feel a bit more confident about being able to remember the forms now. n
We also worked on Pyung Ahn Sam Dan (that's the form I call "Superman". I'd love to see Oldman's take on that!), Pyung Ahn Sah Dan and then Pyung Ahn Oh Dan. I feel that I have a better grasp of the forms. I can actually SEE a few basic moves and why you'd do them.
During Pyung Ahn Sah Dan, I did the thing I have always done...I reached up as if I was grabbing a giant. I have to keep in mind that the grab (it's a collar grab) is not meant to be grabbing giants. It is meant to be grabbing a person who is roughly your same size. I would not be reaching for a person who is 6'9 when I'm only 5'3!!! Keeping that in mind will be beneficial.

We ended with Pyung Ahn Oh Dan. I can't call it "Oh dam" anymore because that one I actually had mostly in my head. Of course, I'd been talking about it with a friend via text messages and it's still on my phone, but that doesn't count. I wasn't looking at the phone when I went through the forms.


Over all, I feel MUCH better about this class than I did on Tuesday. I felt that I had a more open mind, that I was receptive to working hard on my forms and that I was receptive to asking for help. That's what I needed.

Don't make goals if they're unrealistic...

I think I just learned a hard lesson.
Last night, during class, I felt like a total failure. I called myself a fraud and let myself get discouraged and irritated with myself. I wrote a note on Facebook, whining about my "failure". My friends responded by telling me to think about it honestly and realistically. They told me that I'm only as good as I allow myself to be, but that I might be setting goals that are unrealistic, therefore causing me to lose my way.

I've let my own stupid ideals and "goals" get in the way of what I wanted to do. I thought that the natural progression of things was to keep pushing, to go to the next belt, and so on and so on. I lost track of ME. I lost my focus. Along the way, I think I alienated a couple of people I depended on. I SAID I wasn't focusing on a belt, but in secret, I set a 'goal'. I didn't live up to that goal and therefore disappointed myself.

I have spent days thinking about being "inadequate",and "incompetent". I was getting this, not from an instructor, but from my own misguided feelings of "this is the level I should be training at..." I set a bar too high and in my "quest" for that bar, I fell to earth. Hard.

Crash landing is rough.

I've had to rearrange my thinking. I won't say I'm totally over my whining right now, but I'm going to take a long, hard look at what I want. I've had a recommendation to start over at a different school, in a different style. Actually, I've had two recommendations. I do not want to start over. I prefer to stay in the school I'm in. A friend told me that I wasn't just going into a school, I was moving into a family.

I wasn't used to the family atmosphere. I came from a school where it was all "here's how you do this." There wasn't a WHY. I am not used to asking 'why'. I'm not used to the way things are done in this school. I am going to remove the scales from my eyes and open my mind.
I got a very good email from someone who is helpful. She's proven that she's a good friend. She pointed out that the number one thing about advancing is COMMITMENT. If you don't commit, you won't go anywhere.

I'm going to refocus myself and work on my commitment. I have to first commit myself to what I want to do. I need to commit to working hard. Hard work is not a bad thing. I work hard at work, so why not commit myself to the hard work of martial arts. If I want to be my best, I need to get off my butt and work NOW for what I want.

I need to look at what I do want. Do I want glory? No. Do I want to be a good martial artist? Yes. Emphatically, YES! I'm not going to get there by sitting on my butt, doing nothing. I have to practice or I won't get where I want to be.

In the meantime, I need to lower the bar. The goal is not to raise that bar so high you can't reach it. Instead, the bar must be at a reasonable level so that you can work toward raising it.
That is what I must do now.

Reality Check

I had a doctor's appointment this morning and got a hefty dose of reality. I have gained 21 pounds since my last appointment (last year). I actually got a chance to bring up some important points that have been bothering me, such as the stress I'm under at work. He listened as I explained to him that part of my "stress relief" is eating and eating and eating when I'm stressed. I admitted it, which is part and parcel of beginning to help myself, I hope. In a way, it feels really good to admit that. I am an emotional eater and I explained to him that I eat when I get overwhelmed at work. That's something that I need to work on. He suggested that I look into Weight Watchers again. It's got an accountability factor built in. I'm considering it. I may have to weigh the difference between Weight Watchers Online and actual WW meetings.

After the appointment, I came home and hung out with my husband. It's our anniversary, so we took a few days off together. We watched The 300 together. It was the first time I've seen it. Not a bad movie. It was a bit gory, but it depicted an interesting time in history. If you haven't seen it, it depicts the Battle of Thermopolye. It was the Spartans against the Persians. Very interesting historical references. I liked it.

My boss called while we were watching the movie and left me a message to call back. He thenasked me if I would be willing to come in tomorrow and work. I told him, "NO. I have plans for tomorrow." (Hub and I initially had planned on going out of town tomorrow but we're going to go look at a house instead.) Anyway, I *had* to say no. I always say "yes" and am feeling used and abused and not respected for doing so. Well, no more. I'm standing up for myself. I know that the department will be hurting with two people out (one of the guys has jury duty tomorrow), but I'm sorry. I just cannot keep interrupting MY plans for the company. If it makes me less of a company woman, well, I guess that's my loss.

We just got back from a walk. We walked over to the school and picked up our son from school. It was about a mile and that wasn't bad at all. My doctor wants me to go walking daily. He said that most of the patients he has who have lost weight successfully have done so by portion control, watching what they eat and exercise. I'm trying to start out on the right foot.

Vernal Equinox

Happy Spring! It started at 6:44 this morning for us here in Texas. Unfortunately, I know it's still deep winter in other parts of the world and believe me, I would much rather share my sunshine with you than know that you're buried under feet of snow!

Driving in to work this morning, I fairly conscious of my surroundings. I noticed how the trees have gone from the grayish brown of a few weeks ago to sprouting leaves. They're now a soft yellow-green color in addition to the grayish brown. It's definitely been Spring here. There are the Bradford Pears (my nemesis, apparently as I get stuffy when they show up!), and then the redbuds bloom out. Right now, there's a riot of birdsong every morning. We hear cardinals, mockingbirds and of course, the ever present doves. Those birds are around year round, it seems! I think there are blue jays out and about too. Every so often you hear a loud "cawing" noise, which Tony says is a blue jay. He's a better birder than I am. It's another thing I'm just learning as I get older.

Anyway, Happy Spring. I wish a pleasant and warm day to everyone.

Award!

Claudia, of Claudia's desk nominated me for a "When Life Hands you Lemons" award for my blog. I am honored and excited to accept this.

Now, there are some steps to go along with the award:

Post the logo on your blog.

Nominate blogs that show great attitude or gratitude.

Link to the nominees within your blog post.

Notify the recipients of the award by commenting on their blog.

Share the love and link back to the person from whom you received your award.

I have to share this award with Go West and Ferland Family. Go West, just simply because I love to follow her blogs. I enjoy keeping up with her as she's moved from one part of the country to another. Ferland Family--she's a determined mom who is doing her part to change the world. I'd like to nominate Black Belt Mama as well because she's been through a LOT in the past year and a half, overcoming a devastating injury to her knee, the recovery and then another surgery and now she's back into her dojang, working hard!!

Cub Scouts on Wednesday

It's been a fun day so far. Today we went to an FBI office with Aidan's Cub Scout Den. It was a very interesting day and one that I am glad I got to participate in. We all met at the school at 9:15, then caravaned out to the office, which is out in Dallas. It took us about 45 minutes to get there. I wasn't prepared for the one bridge we had to drive over---it was in the hov, or high occupancy vehicle lane. It took us from one highway to another and I wasn't expecting it. That was a bit disconcerting, to say the least. I had to have the mom who was riding with me talk to me or I'd never have made it. My poor daughter knew I wasn't very happy and kept asking me, "are you okay?" That's something I'll have to talk to my doctor about. There's nothing like driving and suddenly having your heart race and your hands tremble!!

When we arrived at the office, we checked in, walked through the metal detector and then went to the inner offices. We were able to learn a little bit about the history of the FBI, saw several things that they use in the course of their days and talked about how the FBI works. The boys got to try on bulletproof vests and were finger printed. It was a highly informational day. I truly enjoyed it.
We took Amanda with us and she enjoyed it too. Her comment to me was that she liked the guns. They had a display case that referenced the now infamous Bonnie and Clyde. They had a display about the assassination of JFK as well.
Overall, it was educational and well worth attending.

Since we got home, I managed to break the carafe for my coffee maker, so I havne't had any coffee at all. That kind of distresses me but I'll get over it. I'm debating walking over to Starbucks and getting a cup of coffee now. I'm in an "at home" mode, so that may not happen. We shall see.

Mail time...

Wow. I actually mailed a couple of letters out today!! I wrote them LAST MONTH, but I got them out today!! I'm excited. That was quite an accomplishment for me!
I've come to letter writing late in life. I haven't written nearly as much as I'd like to, but I'm trying. Most of my problem is that I get persnickety about what I write and then wind up tossing the letter. I wrote the letters, carried them around for a while and then mailed them. Not an accomplishment, but it works. I didn't chuck 'em out, which I usually do!

Why do I do this? Part of it is that I don't want my friends to think I'm a total bozo when I'm writing to them. I don't like rambling at times--I think it'll make people read my letters and say "HUH?" I'm seriously hoping that the three people who are destined to receive my letters don't run for the hills and ask "WHY ME?"

Full panic mode

Have you ever had a week like this?

Monday, I had a doctor's appointment, which I went to. Hated it, but went anyway. Tuesday was class, which worked me over. Fun, but I felt like I'd been seriously worked over. I would do it again in a heart beat. Really!
Wednesday was 'eh'. Yesterday, I had to miss class due to an Open House at my son's school. We had to go to that. I'm very glad we did, but it was tiring. I did get a chance to talk to my son's teacher and we discussed some strategies for helping him read better/more.

I told my daughter yesterday that I was going to write a check for her Six Flags Band trip last night after I got home from Open House. Did I? Oh no. Not only did I NOT write the check, but I didn't think about it again until I got an email from my husband, telling me I'd forgotten it. Nice! I had to email the band teacher and tell her I was a dope and forgot. I'll get a chance to make it up by sending the check the Monday after Spring Break.

On top of everything else, I was late to a meeting this morning and the guys will not let me live it down. I despise being late! I didn't get out of bed on time, so that was part of it. Then, when I got out the door, it was 7:08. If I wasn't already stressed out, that was enough to put me over the edge!! I wasn't the only one who was late, but that's not the point. The point is, *I* was late and I'm not pleased!!

This morning, I've had to help someone program a machine and install the print drivers on a computer in a remote location. Since it was me and the IT guy, we had to talk the end user through programming. That pulled me off the phone for an hour while we installed, loaded drivers and did some basic training. One of my co-workers wasn't pleased that I was out of commission for that hour, as it meant HE took the most calls. Yikes!
I'm going to have to work hard to get caught up. So far, I've only taken 8 calls. I have four hours left in my work day. Do I think I'll take the 30-40 calls I normally take? Not likely.

I feel like my week has suddenly spiraled out of control. I had a few questions I couldn't answer, I've got customers who are leaving me messages as if I'm the only one who can answer them and I'm tired. Stressed, tired, grouchy.

I need a vacation. I need to go outside, sit under a tree and listen to the rain falling. Did I mention that it's raining? Lovely, wonderful rain!
Right now, I'm listening to the guys in the corner, yukking it up. They do that a lot. I wish I had as much free time as they appear to have. I'm sure they're in between calls, but damnit, it's not fair to this side of the room to have them laughing and giggling and being so loud.

Warm weather

It was up in the low 80s today, so we took the family out walking. I seem to have recovered (mostly) from whatever it was I had last week. We walked past a house that we had considered going to look at. We skipped the house and kept going to the school, where we stopped at the playground. Aidan found one of his classmates to play with. Amanda and I swung on the swings and Tony went over to the basketball hoops and shot a few hoops. We're not serious about our athletics in our house, so this was just a mild Spring outing.
When we got tired of the playground, we walked over to the grocery store to get some things to finish a project Aidan has due tomorrow (it's a planet project) and dinner. Then we came home and are now cooking dinner and enjoying the evening.
I managed to get slightly pink, so I can say that I definitely got some vitamin D while we were out there. I've also nearly finished a 36 ounce cup of water, so I'm doing great there. I told hubby yesterday that I wasn't going to be content being an out of shape person, so I'm doing something about it. It's ultimately up to me to improve my fitness. This walk isn't going to improve my cardio very much, but it WILL make me feel better, and ultimately, that's what I'm after.

One of my friends asked me earlier if I'd made it to the track at the high school. I didn't go, but this was just as good. I did get my backside up off the couch and moved it. It was a perfect day for it. I feel really good about myself right now.

Sleepless nights and Gup tests

Since I haven't been feeling well, I wound up trying to self-medicate to see if I would at least be able to breathe last night. I took a Claritin-D at 9:00 or 9:30 last night. I should know better. I wound up not being able to sleep when I finally went to bed. I read 3 magazines last night, then when I decided I really WAS tired, I couldn't doze off. It was horrible. I listened to my lovely husband snore for the greater part of the night. I finally kicked him in the butt, which woke him up enough to move. That stopped SOME of the noise. I was able to doze off for a minute, then woke up again. There's something about not being able to sleep that puts me into a seriously grumpy mood. I did finally get back to sleep at 2:30, then woke up again at 6:00, when Tony's alarm went off. Waking up that early was like dragging cotton wool off my head. It was difficult and fuzzy. He finally went off to work and I went back to sleep for about an hour and a half. I think I got up for the last time at 8:30. I stayed up after that.

Today was the Gup (colored belt) test at the dojang. I went because I wanted to observe and see how the tests were run. I am very glad I did. I was really impressed by it. When I got there, I saw some of the white belts doing their running test. I was able to get into the room and found a chair near one of my friends, whose son was testing today.

I can tell you that when I saw him test, I was really impressed by the level of improvement I saw in him. The last time I saw him in any martial arts capacity was a year ago, when we tested for our black belts. He was so much better today than he was this time last year and it showed! One of the examiners asked him what kind of kick he was doing at one point and he told them honestly what it was. I give him kudos for that. He was really good! I think his hard work is paying off! He's doing that well!

I saw my instructor there, who asked me why I was out of uniform. I'd talked about it with Tony and HE said, "you're just a student, so just attend in street clothes." I listened and MG looked at me funny. I told him that I was just observing. He asked me wasn't I a Dan. I said, yes. He said I could have helped. Again, I truly feel like I belong. YAY!

I'm about to crash for the night. I had to leave the test during the green belts because I was falling asleep. I made it home, but felt very fuzzy and felt like my response time was too slow. Maybe I can make up my sleep tonight.

Will it ever stay at one season???

If you look at the trees in the area, you'll think that Spring has sprung. Then you watch the news and they tell you, "Oh, it'll be blah blah blah degrees today." THEN you hear "Don't get used to this weather, it'll be cold again." Just give me a steady and constant temperature!!

Every day now, I see more and more trees budding out. Yesterday, the redbuds started blooming. Today, I saw yet another cluster of redbuds, so that tells me that Spring is definitely here. It was 80 degrees yesterday and today. Darned weather! If it doesn't stay at one temperature, it floats to an extreme! Not good when you're fighting something, let me tell you. I can't tell if it's allergies, a cold or whatever, but again today, I had a number of people tell me to go home. One of my sales reps even asked me how many cigarettes I'd had before he called me. Since I don't smoke, this was hysterical.

Tomorrow is the gup test at the dojang. I'm going to attend as an observer, not as a participant. I'm just a student, just going to provide moral support for a friend's son. This will be a great experience, just for the chance to see how the tests are run. Then I'll be better able to visualize my own test, whenever that will be...

Hack, wheeze...is it allergies?

I adore Spring. It's a wonderful time of renewal, but...man, it's killing me. I'm either fighting with a massive allergy attack or I've picked up something.
I've been stuffy, sneezy and feel pretty achy. I'm not sure if it's from the Bradford Pears that are blooming out or what. I sound like I've got a frog in my throat. Now imagine talking on the phone like that for a week. That's what I've been doing. Today I've been coughing and had to put callers on "mute" to be able to not cough their ears off. Heaven forbid you make me laugh!! That's worse! I've had people tell me I needed to go home. Hello? I can't leave because I'm the acting supervisor. I may feel like crap, but I'm not allowed to be sick. My manager needs me to be there because I do his job while he's gone. I'm just stumbling through as well as I can.

The only good thing about being sick today was that I managed to drink nearly 72 ounces of water. I drink more when I'm sick than I do on normal occasions. I'm working on changing that.

I got a new blog to read from one of my instructors. She's been keeping me in the loop and finding interesting things for me to read. I really think she's got my best interests in mind. It's like she's seeing my insecurities and my procrastination and she's trying to help me work around that and get better.
I truly feel that I'm in a good place in this school because of the help I get. The people in this school are sooo helpful to me! I get pick me up emails from people, I get words to think about from the head of the school. I have to say it's an incredibly good fit. I feel like I BELONG!!

Tag!

I was recently tagged by Gal Friday to reveal 7 random things about myself. I'm trying to think of random things I can tell you that are interesting...

1. I love to read. I've got 5 bookshelves in my apartment that are literally groaning with books.

2. When I'm stressed out, I write. Most of the time, I don't share it, but I write.

3. I collect snowmen.

4. I have never been outside of the United States.

5. I learned how to speak Gaelic many years ago. Not fluently, but I could speak it.

6. I'm a perfectionist. My instructor is trying to help me overcome this flaw in my nature.

7. I am determined to get my second Dan (EE Dan) BEFORE I'm 50 years old!!
(that gives me 6 years to get cracking!)

I'm not sure who I'll tag...but if anyone reads this and wants to talk about it, please feel free to comment me about it!

March

It's hard to believe that March is already here. It's amazing how quickly this year is flying by. It seems like yesterday it was December!!
I've been in a mood all day. Haven't felt well, so I stayed home from work today. It gave me the chance to do laundry and dishes. I also sat on the couch, finished reading a book and just generally hung out. The cat hung out with me, amazingly enough! Usually he ignores me but since I was the only one here, he decided to climb up in my lap and sit on me. That's actually a comfort to me. I enjoy sitting on the couch with the cat. Unfortunately, I'm his last choice of human. I keep telling Tony that I want another cat, but it's not going to happen any time soon.

Speaking of Tony, he had a job interview on Friday. He spoke to the head of the department who asked him when he could start, but then he got called by the HR department who told him that they "had to interview some other people and they'd call him." Needless to say, he got seriously disappointed and was not at all happy on Friday. As of today, he hasn't heard anything from them. I hope that something will happen soon. He needs to have some kind of good news. His company is downsizing and the company he interviewed with is upsizing. Hard to imagine in this economy, but there you have it. All we can do now is just play the waiting game.

I didn't do a lot on Saturday--just spent the day on the couch, being a slug. I went out with Amanda yesterday and went walking. That was good for us. The guys went to a bowling party, we went walking.

I contacted my instructor and told him that I wasn't in class on Thursday. I didn't go. No excuses. I just didn't go. I'm going tomorrow. I can't go on Thursday as I have a Cub Scout function...only 2 more of those and I've earned my leader knot. After April or May, I'm in the clear for a couple of months. I may have to go again starting in September.
Once the Scout functions have settled down, I'll get a chance to concentrate on my martial arts 100%. I feel a distinct need to get out and get busy in class. I can do what I can do up until the Scout things are done, but...once that's done, I'm going in with 100% effort.

Where's my motivation?

Today I'm feeling a bit stressed out but it's over me, not my martial arts. I've been stressing out over my weight again. I watched my scale climb up by 5 pounds from the start of the week until today and it really aggravates me. I know you're ideally NOT supposed to weigh yourself every day because things can change. I know weight fluctuates, etc. It's just annoying to see my weight climb up and up. This time last year, I'd lost almost 45 pounds. I've put back on 20 of that. That irritates me. I was definitely more active than I am now last year, but I was taking classes three to four times a week (my kids were involved in classes with me at that time too). I was walking a lot. I was attending Weight Watchers meetings. I was strictly monitoring my food intake, probably to the point of obsession. I wrote every single thing I ate down and tried to adhere to "if you bite it, write it." After my belt test in March of '08, I gradually started being less active. My old school changed affiliations and moved, so I decided to move on myself. I see that as the beginning of this spiral I am in now.

I am an emotional eater. I like food, don't get me wrong, but the relationship I have with it is not healthy at times. I like to eat. I know that food is fuel, but it shouldn't have limitations set on it. I don't like being told by the co-workers or friends who are well intentioned, "are you sure you should eat that??"
An example of this is the Girl Scout cookies I bought to help support a friend's troop. I bought two boxes of Thin Mints. There are two tubes of 16 cookies in each box. I opened one of the boxes and over the course of the afternoon, I ate an entire tube of cookies. A serving is 4 cookies. I had four, then closed up the tube and put it away. Then I ate some a bit later. Eventually that one tube was gone and I put the cookies out of my mind. When I told my husband about it, he asked him, "Should you have done that?!" No. I shouldn't have, but why should I feel guilty for eating? I ate them, not in one sitting, but over the course of the afternoon.

I don't want to feel like that anymore. I KNOW I have a tenuous relationship with food. I have an even more tenuous relationship with exercise. I am all talk and no action when it comes to that. I'm not sure that setting goals of "I want to lose X pounds by N date/time" is even a good thing to use as a motivator. Neither is "I want to test at N date." Plain and simple, if I make plans like that, I set myself up to fail. I feel that I have to DO something and if it doesn't happen, then I beat myself up over it. I'm over beating myself up. It's not a good thing.

I'm looking for a motivator. I need something to use as a mental kick in the butt. I need a friend to help me by saying, "Hey, why don't we go do this today?" I need something. What's a good motivator??

Being healthy is a good motivator, but I want something tangible that I can SEE, something I can feel. I want to be more positive, but it's hard, especially when I see the scales going in the wrong direction. I want to get my motivation back and see changes for the positive.

I posted a few days ago about Spring being a time of renewal. Maybe I need to think about that and use that as a motivator?

A time of change

Well, while most of my friends are buried under snow, I'm sitting down here in Texas, whining about the fact that another winter has come and gone. I saw the first signs of Spring last week...as I was driving home one afternoon, I saw a robin. That's a sure sign Spring is around the corner.
On the way home yesterday, I saw a pear tree that was starting to bud out. It's very pretty to see the stark white against the darker gray of the tree. It's a sure sign that things are heading into renewal. It's also up in the mid to upper 70s to low 80's. It really hasn't rained, which is what we need right now. I keep hoping the skies will open up but...well, hopes are just that. Hopes.

I'm in a pretty good mood today. I went to class last night and worked really hard. We worked on technique, which I can appreciate because I can see what I need to do to improve myself. I've decided that I am going to class not to compare myself with anyone else but to compare myself to myself from a year ago. I'm the only one I can compare to because I know where I was this time last year and where I am now.
Physically, I'm in worse shape than I was, especially as I haven't really been working out. Mentally, probably about the same, but again, maybe slightly better. Not overly sure of that. I know I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I'm going to work on that. I am enjoying my classes for the first time in a long time. I haven't felt so positive about my martial arts since I was working toward my black belt. I'm not working as hard as I was then, but...I do feel that I'm getting somewhere because I can SEE the changes.

In order to improve, I must make changes. Even the slightest change is something that will make a huge difference. It's Spring, so it's time for a renewal. I'm working on renewing my resolutions. I'm not a big resolution maker, but I've decided that since it is Spring, it's time for a change.

There's one central theme to this...In order to make myself a better person, I have to give up the old and begin anew.

Scouting for Food Saturday

Today was Scouting for Food with the Cub Scouts.  Scouting for Food is a food drive, where the boys go out with their dens and collect cans of food for the local food banks.  Today our Den went out together and quickly got separated.  We had three adults with three boys and two adults with two other boys.  Our boys went out and worked together to collect cans of food from people in the neighborhood.  It was a success.  Our boys collected 1023 cans of food for this effort.  Last year we collected 77 more cans, but I'm not complaining about this effort. 

I was the organizer of this effort, namely because I was at Round Table and collected the bags for the Pack.  That made me the organizer by default.  (Well, that and the fact that the guy who did it last year left our group!)

I'm proud of the way the boys worked together.  It was a good effort and I'm proud of them. 

Friday

Class last night was very enjoyable. It was great to work with Ms. M on one steps and Ho Sin Sul. I learned a lot, got a lot out of it and was able to see correlations between forms and self defense. I got a lot of great pointers on judging distance too. Since I'm short, I have to pivot on the ball of my foot (easier said than done at times) to make sure I stay in position. There's a big difference between hitting someone mid-thigh and at the belt.

The one steps we're doing look like smaller pieces of forms to me. I was telling Ms. M last night that I could see a comparison between them and specific forms.
There was one Ho Sin Sul that we did which was neat...it was on a shoulder grab (or a lapel grab). I had an "aha!" moment as we did it. I can see how the defense works. I got a good idea of how to block someone as they're coming at me and we talked about positioning for a block or punch.

I am looking forward to Tuesday. I have to miss class tomorrow because I have Scouting for Food with my Pack. I can practice afterwards and may take my hubby outside to work on my one-steps. That way I can keep the movements fresh in my mind.

Overwhelmed

Just a warning...this is a work rant, but it *does* end well!

I have been feeling highly overwhelmed at work.  I don't feel like I'm able to ask for help. I don't have the respect from the co-workers that I probably should have.  I've been with my employer for 20 years. This is my "anniversary year".

It's highly frustrating to know that one of my job responsibilities is to mind the phones and watch the calls holding. I'm not in a position of authority, apparently. Never mind  that everyone seeks me out to ask me for help on things. When it comes to mentioning calls holding, or suggesting things to try to help the department, I'm just invisible.

I get stressed out when I see calls holding.  When I was hired on at this company, I was told that I needed to help customers.  Then I was told, "Keep an eye on your talk time and don't let it get too high."  Then it was "don't let the HOLD time get high either."  This has been the key focus for me for my entire time here.  It's gradually been tweaked to the point where we're supposed to have an x-minute hold time.  If it climbs, we have to answer to the manager as to why.

We're supposed to help customers to the best of our abilities, but if we can't resolve problems, we're supposed to "escalate it to a specialist".  I feel like I'm in a bind because when *I* go to the specialists, I get it tossed back at me.  I know that I'm supposed to ask all the questions THEY know and can think of immediately, but it's not always possible.  It's worse if you're short handed and you know it because it makes it feel like you're carrying a mountain on your back. Sometimes asking for help is worse than just saying "I don't know."  

I guess it's just a matter of perspective.  The guys at work have a field day with my attitude.  I guess it's okay for them because they're guys.  They're all laid back and have "whatever" attitudes.  I panic about calls holding and how long they hold.  I hate seeing people waltzing in late, which happens regularly.  We have people who come to work late daily.  They take their lunch hours when they're good and ready to go, not at their assigned times.  I can see once or twice, but on a daily basis, it's annoying.   Sometimes I think they stay on the phones because they know it irritates me.  I have given up talking to them.  I just sit and stew.  That's not what I need.  Somehow, I need to figure out how to disconnect my CARING from my work.  I get frustrated at things beyond my control.  I can't change the way people are.  Not everyone has the same work ethic I have.

Luckily, I have class tonight.  I'm going to leave my angst at home and go work out very hard in class.  I've been gearing up for it all day.  I'm not going to skip because I need it.

Happily sore

I am happily sore after class tonight. I got to work with my friend, Ms. S tonight on one steps and Ho Sin Sul. We hit up 1-6 on the One Steps (which aren't really all that hard, just bear repetition) and 1-3 on the Ho Sin Sul. I can actually see the correlation between the Ho Sin Sul and the one steps. It was an eye opener.
Ms. S and I spent the evening kicking and punching each other. It was really a great feeling to be able to walk into class, see these people and know that I'm welcome, no matter how long I've been gone. I belong!!

I met that first mini-goal I made myself. I walked back into that classroom in the dojang tonight. I said I would and I didn't give myself any chance to tell myself otherwise. Master G told me to stop making excuses for not attending class in an email and I am happy to say that I made NO excuses whatsoever! I went to class and enjoyed myself. I put myself into the right frame of mind during the Muk nyum (spelling). It's a moment of silence at the beginning and ending of class. I feel incredible now. I worked hard and that was what I set out to do. I needed it.

I'm going back on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it.

Positive thought

Here's a positive thought for today:

I am extremely flexible. I may be 100+ pounds overweight, but I'm flexible and proud of it! I can kick over my head and almost to head height on a person who is 6 foot tall!

Happy happy!

I am extremely excited today. I have been sitting here, annoying my co-workers, talking about class. I'm really happy that I'm going to class tonight. I may have forgotten a lot, but I'm not going to let that stop me. I have been reviewing my book (Tang Soo Do by Grandmaster Kang Uk Lee) and am going to make the best out of whatever happens tonight. I'm really excited. I haven't felt this "bouncy" in a while now.
I showed the guy on the other side of the wall bits of two forms, so they're kind of still in my head (yay!!). I just have to keep myself focused on the fact that I AM going to do this. I will do well, regardless of what happens tonight. They'll either have mercy on me or they'll work me over. Either way, it's a win-win situation!

I haven't done my Ho Sin Sul and I haven't done anything with the one steps in forever, so I have to re-learn those.

Positives

I'm back to working on being more positive. I cannot let myself be negative because all it does is add to an already stressed me. I'm not going to do that. To start that, I chose my clothes for work very carefully. I picked out a pair of black slacks (that are a size 4--and that's a story in and of itself) and a very pretty, purple sweater that has striped cuffs and collar. I feel great about myself in it. Our Admin, M, told me that the purple was a really good color on me.
I feel like I'm standing taller today. Maybe it's partly from the thinking I did over the weekend. I spent a LOT of time thinking. I have a Shape Magazine on my desk that has a really great article about body image in it. I also have a Weight Watchers Magazine that has an article about body image in it. It's time to stop thinking so negatively about myself. Instead, I'm going to go back to telling myself something positive every day.

Today, I feel like I can climb mountains (or at least ant hills to start with).